figuring things out...

'i think i've got it.' i said....
i couldn't look at him tho...it was too hard.
but the fact that i could share it was pretty
darn good.

he understood and waited.

prefaced it with a few things, told him to
hold this filter over here and as he listened place
what i was telling him inside the filter and see
if he could see what i was saying.

the filter was made up of some of my deepest issues.
he knew them and didn't need explanations.
he understood.

i ran thru what was goin' on in me.

it was hard. it was deep. it was incredibly intricate.

and i got it.
i snagged it.
i saw it, knew it, felt it, and put it out there.

i hated that it was happening.

hated it.

i want these issues to be gone.
i hate that they still run thru me so deep.
i was humbled putting it out there.
but i was determined to see it and own it.

when i was finished he said 'i have no idea how you
managed to put that all together.'

i didn't either.
but i knew darn well it was some of my best work.

we both knew it. and we both knew that was one of
the gold nuggets in the whole thing.

there were more gold nuggets...
the trust between us.
his loving response.
the strength of what we've been building...
there was a lotta gold.

but for that moment, there was a lot of pain.
a whole lot of pain.

i so hated it in that moment.

but now.....i don't hate it at all.
i look back at what i did.....
i did awesome.
i mean, i really did awesome.

and i couldn't have this feeling without
all the other stuff......

it's ALL part of me.
and the fact that those issues run thru me
so deep doesn't make me weak....
which is what i felt at the time.
no.
as a matter of fact, they're making me really
really strong.

they are making me into who i want to be.

and when i figured that out, i felt so much
gratitude for the whole darn process....