the plan

funny.
funny how complicated things are inside sometimes.
how i can be doin' just fine and then the oddest thing
will set me over the edge.

maybe i wasn't really doin' just fine then, huh?

yeah, maybe.

and then maybe it's not the oddest thing that pushes
me over the edge. maybe it's when whatever i'm not
doin' fine with gets shown to me in my face. there's
just no ignoring it......

bam.
over the edge.

that happened yesterday.
i knew it. stopped. and went and sat under a fan
with a puzzle. i just needed to be alone and figure
out what was goin' on.

sad.
yeah.
i was sad.
so i did my puzzle and thought about it.
i tried to allow myself the sadness.

there's anger in there.
and i don't usually allow that.
prolly a mistake.
but i just focused on the sadness.

later, still wobbly, one of my deepest buttons got pushed.
oOooofff.
a kick in the gut, a slap in the face, a rip of the heart.

darn.
i thought i had a better grip than this.
darn.
darn.

sitting outside this morning i thought about it.
i was angry at myself for not having a better handle on it
all.

oh, that's nice, ter.
be mad at yourself for this.
if you handed this to anyone else, they'd tell you how
painful it is. why can't you allow yourself that??

cause if i could just have a handle on this, it would stop
hurting.

and i just want it to stop hurting.
cause it's not gonna end.
it's gonna go on and on and on.

so i sat outside and allowed myself the hurt.i allowed
myself compassion for myself.

i don't know why, but the phrase 'it is what it is'
helps me.

it tells me this is it, kid.
you can analyze it to death, but this is it, kid.
what you do with it is up to you.

so i took the whole mishmash from yesterday.......the first
thing that sent me over the edge and the second thing that
landed me flat on the ground.......

and tucked it into my heart.
it's in there.
my gosh, i can feel it.
and that's all i'm gonna do right now.

there's a whole lotta other things in that heart of mine too.
and right now, what seems like the thing to do is just work
on feelin' the other things.

not in a denial kinda way.
in a letting things be what they are kinda way, and focusing
on some stuff that makes me feel valued.

and i do believe......that has to come from me.
actively focusing on and knowing my value.

not even sure how to do that!
but that's the plan today.......