Friday, July 2, 2010

words help

my buddy pam wrote me a note yesterday with
a sentence in it that knocked me outta my

it was the wording of the sentence that just
bam. bam. bam. hit so loud and clear.

i wanted to put it out here....

she was writing me about the message we get
when we're molested. here's what she said:

"We hear "don't tell" as "don't tell who you are,
because the molester saw that and look what happened."



have you ever worded it to yourself that way???

i don't think i have.

i think i have worded it a thousand ways to myself,
and i think they've all meant the same thing....
but she nailed it right there in such a clear way
that it really helped me see it better.

i thought it might help some of you....

time to fix that faulty message, don't ya think???


i don't know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.
sometimes i think it's 'fixed' and then sometimes
i know it's not.

it's one of those sneaky things that comes up in
weird moments.

well, i want different things to come up in weird
moments. not that.

and i think pam just helped me a lot to kinda hold
it in a different light.

thought maybe it could help you too.

(pam, i shoulda asked you if i could use the sentence!
but i kinda like the idea of you comin' over here
and bein' surprised.
i want you to see how much your words help.....)


Merry ME said...

Pam is a very wise woman.
And she is not afraid to share her wisdom.
Something tells me she won't mind that you've quoted her.

Qn Dani said...

in my late 20's I had a very serious medical problem with my sinuses. The dr - examining me commented that my nose had been broken at least twice. I vehemently denied it - three times. He told me to call my mom and ask her - that it had probably been broken in play when I was a child.

left the office, and out in the parking lot, I told my husband, "the first time my nose was broken was....and the second time was when...and the third time" He looked at me with shock and asked why I lied to the doctor and pretended I didn't know what he was talking about.

But I couldn't tell the doc because then he would have "seen" me and known that I was so bad and mean and selfish that I made my mom hit me.

Because that's what I heard from the adults around me...."Why do you make her so mad she has to "do this?" (as in hit me or shove me hard enough to injure me.)

We hear "don't tell" as "don't tell who you are, because the abuser saw that and look what happened."


Suz said...

how amazingly, scarily accurate!!!
I've told myself that... not in those same words - but WOW does that add some clarity!!!
Thank you!!!
I still catch myself thinking it in some form or another...

Pamela Jones said...

Seems like my response got lost...forgive me if this posts twice.

So, you've done it.

And there's that feeling of dread again...the one where you feel like there's something intrinsically wrong with your ability to decide.

Of course I don't mind that you shared this. How sad it is that one event in a lifetime can cause us to hide away so much of ourselves in the name of protecting who we are, and all the while the world doesn't get to see what we have to offer. We are not the ones the world needs protection from, and we don't need to hide from everyone because of one person's actions.

Dani, I am so sorry that you lived so much of your life feeling responsible for your mom's behavior. It hurts my heart to think of little Dani with her nose broken feeling responsible for the pain.

It occurs to me that we reclaim our power when we forgive; because when there is something to forgive, it means we acknowledge that the choice belonged to the other person -- and the truth is told.