you've got to be kidding me........

got an email from a friend...
she was tellin' me what a disappointment
she was to her family and told me why.

she did this and not that. she didn't do this
with that....that kinda thing....

somewhere in this note it felt like she
agreed. i'm not sure on that. and we definitely
need to talk about that.

i was thinking about it as i was on the
treadmill this morning.

what i wanted to say to her.....

so you left a job because it didn't talk
to your heart....so you had a beautiful
little girl when you 'shoulda' been doin'
something else.....

you wanna tell me what's disappointing???

and then bam. without even thinking,
i turned it right on me.

i have felt nothing but a disappointment
to my family. i know the feeling she's got.

so what would i say to me if i wasn't me?

so you found your voice and claimed your life?
oh yeah, that's disappointing.

you loved motherhood and raised three incredible
sons. yep...that's a downer. you definitely shoulda
been a lawyer.

you found someone to teach you love and you're
learning how to love for the first time in your
life. oh yeah....that's so disappointing, it's
been called a bad example for my sons. oh yeah.
that's one heck of a bad example. who do you
think you are really learning how to love? talk
about a disappointment.

you believe in your heart now enough to offer it to
the world. my gosh, girl.....you disappoint over and
over again.

you've got to be kidding me?!

how is it i've bought this underlying theme????

i do realize tho.....it's stages.
this has been years for me that i've been workin' on
this stuff.

there was the acceptance of it at first.
they were right.

then the peeling it off with total guilt.
they're not right, but i'm still wrong.

then the anger and sayin' eat my dust.
i love my life and i really resent you.

and then all these stages swim around and repeat.

there's been some sort of acceptance.
it's okay. you are who you are. i am who i am.

and then not.
it's not okay and i hurt.

and then a little bit of acceptance again.

but this morning....on the treadmill.......
i saw it.

and.
i've seen what i've seen this morning before.
i've rejoiced in what i've had before.
i've seen it as a real gift - what i've done,
what i've claimed, where i've been, where i've come
to.

and then i lose it again.

and stages repeat and come in and out again....

and they progress.

this morning, deeper than ever before, more clearer,
so completely understood, i saw what a gorgeous life
i had. i've taken this that i've seen before, and
gone a little bit deeper this morning.

and i saw that if anyone could really see it or me,
they wouldn't be disappointed.

but i don't even care.

cause all that matters to me is that i see it.

and i know that i haven't disappointed me.

and that right there is so darn huge, i'll be thinking
of it all day.

cause you know what?
i haven't.

my gosh.
i haven't.

how totally awesome cool is that?!

holding the life i've created with great glee today.
and with the holiest of gratitude.