Monday, August 30, 2010

his song...

it was a couple of years ago when we lost her.
when she took her own life and changed things forever.

it put me all over the place.
my gosh.
such deep deep sorrow.
tremendous dark grief.
horrible guilt.
an iron determination to be there for her parents.
a whole lot of worryin' about my own kids.
checkin' in on them, making sure i wasn't missing
things i needed to see...

there was so much then.
overwhelming stuff.

time goes on.
birthdays and anniversaries of the day she died...
maybe the whole month will bring me back to it all.

certain things hit deep.
when i see someone who reminds me of her.
when i hear her mother's voice and i hear her in that voice.
when i see a female violinist.
even just lookin' at a picture of a violin will do it to
me sometimes.
certain things still cut deep.

but time moves on.

the importance of what we are to each other fades.
the need to pay attention subsides.
stupid, petty things wrap around my mind and take my attention.

and then something comes thru that wakes me up.

like today.

i was workin' at my desk, listening to the music josh has
been workin' so hard on.

there's a song in there....i believe it's called 'the good
lord's lasso' (not sure as i don't have his written notes on it
but it's something like that....)

and it's his song about losing her and a friend of his to

i stopped and just looked out the window and listened.
the tears began to roll down my face.

this is my favorite of the four songs he did.
cause i really hear who he is in this song.
he's learning how to sing and still finding his place with all
of that. this one feels like he forgets about finding his place
and he sings from his heart.

and i can hear some of his stuff that's in there about all of this.

i tried to talk to the guys about this stuff. how they feel about
it, what's goin' on inside them with it. all of that.
but how do you do that? how do you convey what's inside with stuff
like this???

what a gift to sit here and listen to a song he's written about it
and hear his voice as he sings it. to feel his heart.

it brought it all back.
so many small moments that will be burned inside me forever.
and there i sat listening, brought back to those moments, those days....
hearin' josh's pain now that he carries inside.

it woke me up.

yeah. it really really woke me up.

i've already been workin' on lettin' the petty stuff drop to my sides.
my gosh......
i just dropped whatever i had left i was holdin' on to.

pay attention to the stuff that matters.
the people that matter.

and hold the gift with all that you have........

i so love josh.

will put up a link to his song as soon as i have one......


Square-Peg Karen said...

oh ter, ohhhhhhhhhhh! What you wrote about waking up and paying attention to the things and people that matter - ohhhhhhhhh!

I swore, when Christopher died, that I'd never forget that -- I'd never need to WAKE UP, because I"d never be asleep again (meaning that in a good way -- that I'd always appreciate the people and things that matter, let other stuff float away), but wow--how easy it is to forget - to need to wake up.

Thanks for this - and I'm so glad Josh is doing those songs - can't wait to hear them - all of us reminding each other of what's important - so, so vital!

AkasaWolfSong said...

Thank You Star Cloud for such a profound and poignant reminder!

I love you!