Monday, August 16, 2010

hurricanes inside

there's a hurricane inside of me right now.

blowin' all thru my veins and my limbs and my heart
and my mind...

shakin' me hard in one spot, pouring rain in another.

and i know deep down in my gut
it's gotta blow and do its thing.

i know deep down that if i can let it happen,
it'll take me to the next layer that i need to go to.

i know that.

i'm still scared.

this morning i put my head in my hands and thru my tears,
said out loud 'this is hard. this is so so hard.'

sometimes i think gettin' to the next layer can happen so
quietly you don't even know you got there, until one day
you notice something's different with you.
and you stop and you start to check certain things out inside
and you say 'oh my gosh, I GREW!'

i like those moments.

this is NOT one of those.

what's cool tho, is i really do know it's growin' pains goin'
on. goin' on so wild that it's a growin' hurricane.

i read in that darn love book something about if you can't learn
to love 'your neighbor' you can't learn to love.
i've kinda blocked it cause it really wasn't something i wanted
to see.

but i didn't block it enough. it sunk in. and added to the winds
roarin' inside of me.

and then this morning one of those 'neighbors' that i had to learn
to love hopped inside the whirlwind.

if you want to get where you're goin, ter.......
then you gotta stop makin' this guy a bad guy.
cause he's not.

my entire body resisted.

i wonder why?
i wonder what the fear is?
if he's not the bad guy and everyone just 'is,' what does that do
that scares me???

whatever it does, i knew i had to go to letting go of the hard
feelings. i had to start workin' on that.

(and no, everyone, i am NOT talkin' about my ex husband!
grinnin' and laughin' here.....don't even go there!)

and so i hopped on that treadmill and started the work.
figurin' i'll just keep workin' on it for as long as i have to.

and as i worked on it, i kept tryin' to focus on him and understand him.

and then something kinda happened.

without even tryin'......

i started focusin' on me. and understanding me.


not him.

oh yeah. of course.

it's not about HIM.

it's not.

he's just the easy place to put it.
the fall guy kinda.

it's not about him.

it's so not.

and so i started thinking more and more of me.
and spontaneously, out of nowhere came this line of a song.....
and i started singing it out loud on the treadmill....
'you come from the stars....remember who you are....'

i started singing that and picturin' the stars in the hurricane
inside of me.

oh yeah, they were spinning.
but they weren't goin' anywhere.

the wind and the rain will die down.
but the stars will keep on shining.........

there's a hurricane inside of me right now.

blowin' all thru my veins and my limbs and my heart
and my mind...

shakin' me hard in one spot, pouring rain in another.
with stars that refuse to stop matter what.

it WILL take me somewhere......
i'm gonna let it.

1 comment:

itsjustme said...

ah....big warm smile...
not because of the hurricane...
but because of the stars IN the hurricane.
It's nice to hear the stars again.
I like when you talk about the stars
falling on you...
bursting out of you...
swirling in you...
when you sprinkle them like pixie dust
when you shoot them out like lighting
shining some kind of mental light on you.
It's the visual that makes it so powerful...and it happens on your treadmill...maybe I should get walking on mine.