testosterone too

i think there's a little bit of everything
swirling inside me these days.

you name it, i think it's in there right now.

and what surprises me is that i keep getting
surprised at that.

i opted for just listenin' to music as i did
the treadmill today. just didn't want to think.
i'll just move to music, i thought.

and what surprised me was the angry/rage kinda
music i went for.

i popped it on and there was a relief very similar
to the relief i had yesterday after a good cry.

there's so many parts of me right now that want
some sort of release.

as i was headin' up for a shower, i stopped at
the cd pile. found a cd the guys had made to
put on when they played basketball.

i knew, cause it was titled 'basketball music.'

i grinned.

i knew this was testosterone filled stuff.

i grabbed it and took it in with me.
turned it up loud and showered.

it felt soooooooooooooo good.

i stayed in extra long just so i could stay with
the music.

i thought of the whole range lately.....
the kids music that played with my soul....
mary poppins later today....the prayer music that
i soaked up like a sponge....and now the rage...

everything's in me right now.
and each part wants an expression.

sometimes i wonder why it takes me so long to
see this stuff. wouldn't you think i'd know by now??

each part is valid.
each part needs to be seen.
each part needs a release.

where is the safe spot for all that?
if no where else, we have to give it to ourselves......
we really really do.

it's not anyone else's job to do that for me.
but it most certainly is my deal to do that for me.

i want to pay attention right now.....
and give that to me.