the void

there's an 'opportunity' goin' on inside/around me.
not exactly sure what it is.
but i'm aware it's there.

and i'm excited about it for several reasons.

first of all......I'M AWARE IT'S THERE!

ha!

i'm not always that aware, ya know???

and 'opportunity' may be the wrong word.
hey, i may be aware, but i'm not articulate!
it's the best i can come up with right now.

here's the scoop.

something's been goin' on for a bit.
where i'm feelin' distanced to a lot of things/people
around me.

not in any negative way.
not in a positive way.

just neutral. it's just happening.

well, i finally saw that.
it finally got too big not to notice.
so, okay, i'd have to be blind not to be aware.
hmmmmm....maybe i don't get points for being aware.

but who cares. i'm aware of it.

and then! I'M NOT AFRAID OF IT!

okay, maybe that's where i get points.

i think that this kinda thing would normally scare me.
make me feel bad. or make me wallow in a 'woe is me' kinda
place.

perhaps it did for a bit.
yeah, perhaps it did.
yeah, it did. and yeah, i wallowed and was afraid.

okay, there go my points for not being afraid.

grinnin'.
this sucks.
i get no points.

BUT! i have come to an awareness that isn't filled with fear.
i've moved past the fear.

i see it as an opportunity.
and i don't know what for. but i know it's created this
space....i've been callin' it a 'void'......but void in a good
way.

and i feel it's a place i am sposed to intentionally step into.

not exactly sure how to do that, but not worried about it either,
i have just kinda tried to open to what's inside of me.

been pickin' up favorite books and reading bits and pieces.
been stealin moments here and there to just tune in.
been thinking about what it is i really want.
been thinking about what it is i want to grab.
and what it is i want to let go of.
been listenin' for when my inner voice is speaking.

i think this is a space where i get to throw it all down.
let it shatter all around me. and sit in this void and
see what shimmers. what intrigues me. what makes me want
to reach out and pick it up again.

i think this is a safe open place where i get to drop
everything and decide what it is i want right now.

sometimes we (me) go along pickin' things up as we go,
not even realizing we're pickin' them up. or pickin' them
up knowing we are, but not knowing we're outgrowing them.
and we just keep goin'. holdin' it all. and not havin'
a whole lot of it work for us.

i think we (me) need these voids here and there.
little caves we can go into all by ourselves that are
completely safe where we can toss it all down without any
one watchin'. and we can figure out what works for us
and where we are with ourselves and what we believe and
what we want and what it's all about.

well, okay, maybe not the what it's all about stuff.
that prolly won't come....but maybe........

got my feet in the void and feelin' good.....