a gentle morning

i stumbled out to my walk this morning.
kinda draggin' and tired...
and there, greeting me, was the most gentle,
beautiful morning you could imagine.

i held my face up into the gentle breeze and
just soaked it in. it felt so good. i lost
myself in the gentleness and realized it was
exactly what i needed.

as i walked, i thought of yesterday morning.
i was meeting a friend in the town i used to live
in when i was first married. i hadn't been back
in over 18 years!

she was late, and so i grabbed the opportunity to
go back up to my old neighborhood. i parked the car,
and walked around a bit. walked by the townhouse
i used to live in.

the fence my then-husband built was still standing
and looking good. the tree he had planted still there,
having grown really big. wow. i couldn't believe i
used to live in such a small place. had two of my three
sons there playin' in that tiny tiny yard.

i walked by the playgrounds where the boys and i had
spent our days.

and i became overwhelmed with emotion.
it surprised me. and i was so glad i was alone.

it wasn't that a whole lot of memories were flooding back.
it was just that i had a general memory of who i was
back then, and how hard i worked at being a mom, and
how much energy all that took, and how shy i was back
then, and unsure of myself. the whole deal. kinda landed
in one big feeling.

and overwhelmed me.

i worked so hard at being a mom.

i thought of how long the journey's been. and how far
i've traveled. and i was just overwhelmed.
it was like, for a moment, i had the gift of seein' it
all right there in front of me in a way i don't usually
see it. and i saw how much i gave of myself in whatever
it is i'm doing. i saw how far i had come thru it all.

this morning as i walked, and the breeze whispered
gently in my ear, i felt held.

it wasn't like i was dancing with gratitude.
it was like i climbed up in my mother's lap and she
was holding me, letting me rest, and telling me it's
all been so worth it.

rocking me gently and whispering in my ear....
it's all been so worth it....