Wednesday, November 3, 2010


it's a story i've told before.
if you've seen it, just skip on over this...
i think it's an important one and i found myself
tellin' a friend privately today, and thought i'd share
it again.

it was in response to what she sees when she looks in the
mirror. it made me sad to think of her standing there not
seeing her beauty.

when i was 35 a close friend of ours died. he was the one
who showed up to all our family events with the camcorder.
he took all our home vids for us.

after he died, i found some quiet time where it was just me,
and i put the vids in to watch.

i was 35 years old. i had three kids, had been married for
awhile...and didn't even think about the fact that i thought
of myself as 'fat, loud and obnoxious.' it's just what i carried.
that would have been my description to you if you asked for
a truthful one from me.

so as i watched this vid, and saw myself, i was stunned.
i don't think i will ever forget that moment.
i think it was the first time i had ever seen my adult self
on any kinda vid.
i watched this woman who was thin, gentle and quiet.
i became glued to the movie. watchin' every move this woman....
i watched me reach out to one of my sons.
my gosh, my hand was so gentle and i was so gentle with him.
i was stunned by the movements. by the way i touched the kids.

i was thin. how could i be that thin????

and quiet. i was in the background doin' the stuff that needed
to be done. takin' care of what needed to be taken care of.
not loud and obnoxious.

the tears poured down my face.
they poured and they poured and they poured.

who was this?
who was i?
how come i never knew this?????

it was one of those days that something profound happened inside.

when i was in the thick of writing bone sighs, i wrote a lot of them
about seeing myself. i knew that i had to do that. i knew that that
was something that needed to be resolved inside me.

i really really struggled with the seeing.

somehow, and i think this is so significant, bob has helped me
see a lot. you know that thing about being mirrors for each other?
thru him, i've come to really see that i'm gentle.
i really didn't have a clue on that one.
and now i can see it. and i know it.

and as i've gone along, i've dropped the obnoxious stuff too.

the body issues are a tough hold out....but they're better.
not as bad.

and i think of all the years i've had it wrong.
and i think of my friend standing in front of her mirror having
it so so wrong.

how can we see ourselves???
how do we learn???

i think part of that learning has to come from those around us.
we need to start somewhere, and we can't always find it inside
to start with.

surrounding yourself with those who see your beauty....they
can help.

learning to listen and trust and hear them....that's part of
the deal....

seeing yourself reflected in their love....

all that stuff....

i think all of that is what helps you get to the place where
you can really start to clear that film away from your eyes.

start there?
maybe watch a vid of yourself too.....
it could change your life......

1 comment:

Pamela Jones said...

Actually, I had a similar experience recently -- you are so right. I was watching myself interact with my 2 and 4 year olds. I saw their eyes twinkling in response to the loving things I said to them. It was amazing. I remembered always being swamped and stressed. Not so!