a no brainer that's sinking in deeper....

when i first started seriously searching -
really tryin' to see who i was and make my life
honest and real...i had so many things to learn
that i never had to figure anything out besides
what was right in front of me.

i had goals, and had so much forest to clear before
i could reach them, that i was pretty much focused
on the clearing.

i was told i was on a 'quest,' rolled my eyes
at the phrasing. and then gradually came to know
that was true.

i understood as i went along that it was 'a process'
and that 'it's the journey, not the destination.'

i understood that.
mostly agreed, tho sometimes really really just wanted
to get to the destination.

have thought tons about love. because that's the core
of the whole thing.

and have just been workin' really really hard.

and now.......quietly.......subtly......i'm starting to
notice something....

it's changing. slowly. but i think steadily. there's
a changing that i think i'm seeing. and it kinda freaked
me out this morning. in a good way.

i was reading last nite. it got me thinking about life and
growing old and who i wanted to be. what i wanted to be. what i
wanted to offer those around me as well as myself.

i was excited. really really inspired to live the best i could
live. really inspired to grab life.

and then this morning, life kinda grabbed me.
and i cried over something. and felt bad over something.
and then....i took a walk and thought about it. and i thought
of what it was i wanted to offer those around me. what i wanted
to be. who i wanted to be.

and that guided me.

it just plain guided me.
it guided me recently in another situation in a very similar way.

the focus was so much more than it has been in the past.
the focus was so much more on the life that i wanted to live.
the focus was broader, and so much more loving.

and part of me is stepping back and watching and saying
'hey! hey! look! you're actually pulling it off!'

the grace is in the struggle.
the love is in the handling of the struggle.

i can be grace and love in any easy situation. got that part
down pretty good.

but in the struggles.....i struggle.

and twice now, in a row, i did it.
i really did it.

and this beautiful haunting feeling came thru my insides
just kinda echoing that the struggles aren't bad. they
aren't bad. i don't have to run from them. i don't have
to hide from them.

they give me the chance to offer who i am.

grabbing life doesn't mean not struggling.

grabbing life means grabbing it all.
all of it.

and offering who i am thru all of it.

that sounds like a no brainer.
but it's sinking in for real over here.
and it's kinda freaking me out.
in a good way.