Sunday, January 23, 2011

a flash in the face...

i had a really cool reminder thing happen to me yesterday.
it was such a big flash in my face that i actually pulled
my head back a little when it happened.

it's not like i purposely grabbed the thought of seeing people
better...sometimes i do that. i purposely grab something and
work with it. and maybe i did for a day...not even sure.

but i know i've been workin' with it for days now by accident.

i'll be talking to someone and it's like all of a sudden they
come into focus. their face will look brand new to me. like
i haven't ever seen them before. i'll start listening in a
different way...

and then when i realize i'm doing that, i tune in and purposely
work on it.


i'm workin' on seeing.

seeing them.

but it's like something inside me is guiding me to do it.
nudges me.
gets my attention when the other person's
face comes into focus in a new way....
that gets my attention.

and then i jump in.

so i've been doin' this a whole lot the last few days.

and here's the thing.....

i forget about me.

ah yes.

that's such a cool cool thing when that happens.

not the 'forget about me' in an unhealthy dysfunctional way.
but the 'forget about me' in a leaving who i am way,
in the way where you leave who you are and fall into the place
where we ALL are.

so that's been goin' on.

i've been quiet about it.
how do you explain to people you're talking to that their face
came into focus in a new way as they were talking to you??

so there i am keeping it kinda quiet when my guy comments
on how happy i seem.

and we both know that when i feel seen, i'm way happy.
so he assumes that i feel seen.
and comments on that.

truth is, i totally forgot about me.

so my head goes back when he says this.

i could see why he thinks that.
we've been connecting really well.
but wow.
i hadn't even thought of that......

and this makes me really excited.
cause i know that when i get out of myself life is really good.
i know that.

and i don't think i'm too terribly self centered as it is.
but you know, there's levels.
there's always levels.

but this happiness had nothing to do with me.
and everything to do with me.

somewhere something inside me was guiding me.
and i was following.

and what's freaky awesome cool about that is i'm turning to
some new things with work. and i want to let my insides guide me.
mostly i think i maybe can kinda do that.
but i falter, waiver, wobble on that belief.

but when i saw how much i was allowing myself to be guided these last
few days...
how much i was releasing a hold on things that i hate to release,
when i saw how happy i was, and how good it felt....

well......i smiled big time.

i'm gonna work on this allowing stuff all week...
this allowing myself to be guided.....

and yeah, i'd like it to be a life time thing.
but i figure i'll start with a week...
and then take it from there......

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