meltily

well, i'm guessing it was the solid week of tryin'
to deal with my computer crashin', and the bringing it
back to life that was wearin' on me.

and then, a couple of financial things topped it off,
and i just fell flat into a pool of 'i feel so stupid.'

i would like some points tho.......that's a bit better than
'i AM so stupid.'

so points there.
but my gosh, i felt stupid.

you sit there thru enough sessions of your kids (who,
yes are now men, but still my kids) whizzin' around doin'
things on your computer when you can't figure out what's
goin' on and you're bound to feel a bit slow.

throw in conversations with your partner who can do numbers
in his head like there's no tomorrow....along with a long
work day, and well.....things crash.
like your self esteem.

so i saw that.
was kinda hard not to see.
and i thought 'okay, ter, why do you feel this so strongly?'

and i thought of all the practical things all the guys in
my life can do. and how i'm always taggin' along tryin' to
learn....but truly, it's like a toddler wanting to hold the
hammer. i'm just barely there.

i keep tryin' to learn as i want to do it all myself.
but my gosh.

i tried to do the logic thing.
i tried to tell myself i was good at stuff.
oh yeah, i argued. nothin' practical. what good's it do me???
and as i sat and had an argument back and forth i could
see that i was getting nowhere.

so i went off to the shower.

i honestly can't remember enjoying a shower more.

i melted.
completely melted.

and then, very gently, i touched my head, with the hot
water running down it.

there is something so powerful about lovingly, gently,
softly, intentionally touching your head.

like someone who loves you would do.

ohhhhhhhh......like someone who loves you would do.

oh yeah.
i love me.
oh yeah.

seems i had forgotten that.

i remembered there in the shower.
and i could feel my whole body melt into that.

gently, slowly, meltily, i remembered i was valuable
just as i was......