negating

i hadn't even been awake that long.
how could this many things have happened already?
how could i go from waking up and feeling fine to
standing here trying to hold the tears back feelin'
rotten???

i hadn't been up long enough for this.

okay.
i need to kinda figure out what all just happened,i thought.

as i stood there realizing that, zakk hollered over
a question. i walked over to his room and we started
talking.

amazingly enough, the subject turned into the very one
that was rollin' on inside of me, only i hadn't figured
it out yet.

as we were talking about his stuff, we talked of the
importance of not negating someone. i could feel the inside
tug which was sayin' 'hey! this topic's not just for zakk.'

finishing up, i went off to think about my own stuff.
sure enough...several times over already, i had felt that
this morning.

negated.

so i sat and felt what that felt like.
gentle, slow tears rolled down my face.

the reaction was strong enough that i looked for her.
i'm learning.
she's usually right there when i feel like this.

and sure enough, little terri was right there, hurt,
angry, and scared.

i pulled her in close.
held her on my lap.

'it's okay.
people can't see us all the time.
even the ones we love.
but i can learn to see.
i'm getting so much better at it.
and i see you.
and i feel you.
and i'm sorry it feels this way.'

i thought of something i had said to a friend the other day.
she's facing something so hard....and in my ever comforting way,
i told her i think that a whole lotta times we're in it alone.

that's helpful, huh?

and i followed it with 'and we're also never alone.'

i must think confusion helps or something.
why would i offer that????

because i believe it.

and that's what it felt like this morning. sitting there
watching the sky wake up.
i felt very alone. unseen. misunderstood. trying to offer
things where i should just stay quiet.

probably all very true.

i thought of the misunderstandings that people had with me.
and i realized it wasn't all about my not being seen.
i realized that their stuff was also at play big time.
and i grinned.
no kidding.
try REALLY big time.

our 'stuff' isolates us in so many ways.
and it binds us as well.
we're in this alone.
and we're in this together.
one of those really weird yin yang things.

it's rare when all the stuff can get out of the way and really
clear seeing can take place. actually, i think it's a piece of
heaven when that happens. and i do think those pieces are rare.

i know none of the negating was intentional.
and i know this is the way humans work.
and i have to let it all go.

but truth is, it's affected me.
and i want to do something with that.

i think all i can do right now is hold that little girl part of me.
and know that she's so incredibly beautiful.
and see her.

i can't expect other people to see me and my intentions all the time.
i can't.

i'm not even sure i can expect me to do that for myself.

but i sure can work on improving how often i try.
that's the 'alone' part.
this one's up to me.
not anyone else.

and somehow in doing that, it helps with the 'not alone' part,
and co-habitating in the world with others. and being part of
others.

seeing my own self is up to me.
and my little girl needs that today.

and i'm gonna give that today.
and maybe in so doing, somehow it will bring me back closer
to the ones who didn't.