Friday, January 28, 2011

the one topic

i have a lot of conversations with a lot of
different women.

and we cover a whole lotta ground.

every single topic i can think of comes up.
including the really hard ones.

i have heard more stories about sexual abuse from
all kindsa angles than i ever could have imagined

we talk.
for real talk.

except about one topic.

i sat here and tried to think if one woman has
ever brought this up with me. if one woman has
ever said 'i need to talk about this...'
and out of all the gazillions of conversations,
i don't think anyone ever has.

the topic?
can you guess?


this makes me really stop and think.
about the women i'm close to and love so much.

is this something floating around with a whole lotta
women with them having no place to go to and share?

i know it's a loaded topic. and i know there
are some people who don't think twice about it.
and i also know there's a lotta people who do
think twice....and may have been there. it's
a loaded topic no matter what you believe.
and i would think it would heavy on some.

i don't even know what to do with this.
i think i'm gonna try to make an effort to my girlfriends,
actually bring it up and put it on the table for
them to pick up if they want to.

and i wanted to put it here.
if it's something you've never been able to talk about
and feel it would help to share it....i'm a keyboard away.

my intention?
to offer a place to rest a weight down if needed.
and that's all.


Anonymous said...

Terri this is really strange that you should bring up this topic today. Last year at this time I became pregnant, wouldn't find out until mid February....a week into my sobriety, days after the intervention my family had. I became pregnant by someone I had casual sex with for the last two years of my drinking. I had stopped protecting myself, because I simply didn't care what happened to me anymore. I was very sick. I took a pregnancy test and it came up immediately positive, I was horrified, but knew what my decision was. This was a blessing in disguise for me, because as I got morning sickness and the other physical symptoms of pregnancy, my cravings for alcohol were gone. My unwanted pregnancy helped me get sober. I made an appointment at PP, and they were wonderfully supportive and kind. I chose to have a medication abortion..where I would ingest a series of pills. The first to stop my body from producing hormones that would sustain the pregnancy, and the following day pills that would allow my body to dispell the pregnancy. I stayed home alone that day, wanting to be present and part of the experience as much as I could. I did't want to be numb, I didn't want to be distracted, I wanted to make this a very real experience for myself. About an hour after taking the pills, my body began cramping and expelling huge blood clots. For a moment I was very scared, and felt I could not do it alone. But somehow I knew how important it was to stay with it, and not be afraid. I didn't feel right about doing this in the toilet, so I sat over a large bowl. About 3 hours into it, I saw my embryo. It was less than an inch long, cocooned in a yolk sac, just the tiny beginnings of human life. I held this miracle in the palm of my hand. I prayed for this spirit, I asked that it come back into my life in some other way, at a later date in time. I made peace with the spirit of this creature, and with myself. The next day I planted it in a new planter with a lavender plant and mint plants. I sat in the sunshine with it in my palm, I thanked it for the lessons it had given me, and I let go. I pulled out the picture of the sonogram this morning, even before I read this post. I never want to forget this experience. It helped me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. In my darkest moments I had prayed to god to allow me to get pregnant, because that was the only way I had ever maintained any length of sobriety (with my son's pregnancy 9 years ago). I was in such tremendous pain and wanted sobriety so badly, but I was unable to get more than 13 days in the past 15 years, aside from my pregnancy with Gavin. I never imagined my prayer would come true, especially in this way. I truly believe that this pregnancy was a miracle in my life, it was meant to happen, but that it was not intended to end with the birth of a child. Had I chosen that path, I never would have gone to rehab, I doubt that I would have found the road to recovery, and instead of being a single mother to one child, I would be a single mother to two. I know there is great controversy regarding this topic. As with any emotionally charged topic. All I know is that I followed my path, I did what was right for myself, for my body, and for the child I already have. I am so grateful to have had this experience, it was the first grown-up decision I made in a long time. I got to do it with a clear head, an open heart, and by doing it the way I did, I have absolutely not one regret. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. There are many women, who have shared in my experience. I honor them and their decision. I am grateful to have the right to do what is best for my body and my future. I am grateful for my sobriety, and to be coming up on a year of it next month. In the coming weeks, this is sure to be on my mind. What better way to honor it, then by sharing. Thank you Terri, for letting me use my voice.

casperno1 said...

I had an abortion as a result of a rape, at the age of 14. Both experiences were were so tremendously traumatic. Each one carried its own subset of horrors. Today, those live on within me as part of of my own Suffering. That may sound like a real downer, but it is not. I've learned through the damages done, what it is that I believe for myself and others. The rape incident unfortunately has caused irreparable emotional injury. It is a moment by moment process in which great positive strides towards a healthier "me" is continually emerging.

My stand on abortion is solid now. Yes, it is wrong to take a life, and abortion is wrong in my opinion. However, a woman must have the right make HER choice. I often think about the child that never was - would be almost 40 by now. I have to live with that. We should consider the choices a woman (or teen-aged girl) makes is based on other choices she is faced with.

The Pro-Death Penalty/Pro-Lifers confuse the hell out of me.

The Shahs said...

This is my day at home taking care of misc. chores and i just sat down to take a break and stumbled upon this blog - this is not part of my life experience but i am just amazed at the strength of both women - anonymous - what an extraordinary thing to decide to take on all by your self - just amazing - i am sure this path was chosen not just by you but by the spirit that came to you - a teacher in the form of an embryo...this was a choice the "baby" made to bring a life lesson to you...and how proud it must be of you and it self because it was successful in rehabilitating you...what a lovely story - thank you for sharing and making me remember to always look at the BIG picture!! And yes - pro-death penalty/pro-lifers confuse me too!!

casperno1 said...

Having read the story from "anonymous", followed by my own story, and the lovely comment offered "The Shahs", I feel another "turning", within myself. And it is good.

Anonymous, you revealed incredible strength in facing every emotional, physical and spiritual pain -- as they came to you! I had to re-read your story to just TRY to imagine. I still am not able to imagine your experiences. What you have written here is phenomenal and I am so grateful you used your voice. I have learned from hearing you. I honor you for honoring yourself!

My story mentions the subsets of horrors from both the rape and the abortion. I may add more about the abortion's subset as the experience differs enough from Anonymous. I can add this now: When the doctor stated that I was indeed pregnant, I began, beyond my own will, to bang my head against the concrete wall in the exam room. The nurse(s) stopped me before I seriously hurt myself. I look back at that moment and realize the violence that brought me there in the first place was still "with" me.

Truth is sacred
Sharing is sacred
Trusting is sacred

Anonymous said...

I'll have more to say later, but for now I'm still processing what Anonymous and Casperno so very bravely shared. You've opened your hearts and shared your raw truth, bared your souls to us. Honestly, my thoughts are racing very fast right now.

Have never had an abortion. But I have been raped and been in that situation of wondering if I was pregnant and what would I do? Would I abort or not? That agonizing wait for my period to come. Would it come? If not, then what? That on top of the trauma of the rape itself.

The abortion decision itself is a very personal journey and will be different for each. But more than anything, I believe we should all have the right to decide what we do if we have to come face to face with it.

Will share more after I sit with this for a while. Terri, thanks for laying it on the table.....

And The Shahs? I'm a newbie here myself, and a kinder bunch you won't find! Lot of inspiration here....lot of healing and growth...

Susan said...

Stumbled onto this post a little late... but "wow".
I was raised in a very close minded religious cult. As children, they took us to stand outside abortion clinics with our "Stop Abortion Now" signs. We were kids, with no understanding and no comprehension... forced into a particular, biased viewpoint of abortion. But I remember as a child, even without fully understanding why... believing that there was something very wrong about that picture.

I grew up, left the religion at the first opportunity possible... and had a crash course in Life in the Real World.
I can't "regret" the anti-abortion activity I was involved in, because it wasn't my choice or decision to be there. But I still carry a lot of emotion around the topic.
Now, my heart is full of love and support for women who have had, or will have an abortion. I have an opinion, but I have stepped out of the politics on the subject, and instead choose to see the women themselves who make this incredibly difficult decision. You'll find no judgement here.

I wish that sign I was forced to hold would have said: "Be gentle with yourself. You are loved."

casperno1 said...

Susan, you are not late at all in finding these comments. I believe you are right on time! Glad you are here with your perspectives. And as you read, offer more.

Lissy's World, I don't think a woman has any real way to know what choice she would make if a rape resulted in a pregnancy. I believe she can think on it forever and a day and not come to any reckoning unless that day actually arrives.

When I came to that critical time, I still had to think (with the raging hormones and thinking processes of a young teenager).

It looks like we are all in agreement of the Sanctity of Life and the fluidity of choice as circumstances "move" us this way or that way.

...I remember the motor of the vacuum roaring next to me where I lay with the tube inserted into my uterus having "the procedure" performed... I began to cry in more of a wail....nurses asking each other "is she gonna be okay?"... as the violence continued.