Monday, January 3, 2011

seeing myself

walking along and thinking about being aware.

sometimes i'm really aware of what's goin' on with
someone. maybe i don't know the details, but i can
pick up on the emotions really good.

and while sometimes that's wonderful, sometimes it's
really hard. i had done it recently, and was kinda
feelin' frustrated with it. wishing i knew more
how to tone it down sometimes, or how to just leave
what i see there. wishing i didn't see so much sometimes.

thinking about that, i decided to turn it in on myself.
that's where i need to utilize it, i thought.

turning to myself, i asked -
'well, ms. aware, what is it you see about yourself?'

'you're giving yourself away again,' i answered immediately.


there was no hesitation.

it was as if i was waiting for myself to ask.
and wasn't in the mood to fluff it up with extra paragraphs.
there it was.

i didn't argue it.
i understood the truth in it.
i thought of the different ways in which i was doin' it.
and knew that getting back in a routine with work and all
that i had goin' on would help. it would help me focus
and put my energy in the places i wanted to.

i wasn't really worried.
understood the truth of it, and knew i had to watch it.

what i mostly wondered was why i do that.
why do i so easily fall into that?
the giving myself away.

it's been a whole lotta years of doin' that, ter.
it makes sense.
i offered myself some understanding and compassion.

the phrase 'independent woman' had been on my mind the
day before.

that phrase can mean some great things to me, and it
can mean some negative things to me.

i think we get confused sometimes with that whole
concept. i think the negatives about it are when we
get caught up in a certain mind set that's selfish in
a negative way.

there's a very positive selfish.
and one that i don't like at all.

i was thinking of the concept of an independent woman
in all the positives the other day. what i want to be.
and 'giving yourself away' certainly doesn't fit at all.

i kinda smiled. it makes sense there's a negative
way i see that whole thing. i see people claiming to be
that independent woman, and my just not liking them.

it's because it's not easy.
it's not easy to do it really healthy.
there's so many layers to it.

and to be really independent, requires quite a lot of growth.
just to claim some stuff for yourself isn't enough. and it

it's a whole root system of deep stuff.

my root system's getting way stronger....but my gosh....
i gotta keep an eye on it.
and that's where that seeing stuff will come in handy.

as always, i turn my focus back to my own stuff, and
keep on trying....

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

I waver between am I selfish, healing, thinking I'm doing well, a I doing well. And then a day will come when I know I've come a long way, made great strides in letting the me out. Then I'll take several steps back and ask "why did you do that?". Sometimes I only want to let out the positive and hold in the pain. So thank you for sharing, I know it can't be easy. It helped me today, to hear someone just let it out and allow me to listen. I so want to learn to be a good listener. Jennifer