Thursday, January 6, 2011

thinking out loud....

ohhh...something's kinda hummin' inside my head...
maybe typing it out i can figure it out a bit better.

got an amazing letter in my email this morning.
someone shared their story with me.
and it's one with a lot of pain in it.
she's working hard on healing. on learning
trust, on taking her power back. and she shared
with me a bit of where she is.

i can't just ramble on without kinda stopping and
saying what a gift it is to be trusted with stories
like this. i am humbled. and honored.

and....i am learning. women's struggles, women's
journey's have always helped me on my own. but this
morning, with this story, i think i see how much
they teach me and how they help me grow.

this one, has something new buzzin' inside me.
i'm not sure if this is right....but i'm thinking
maybe there's really two (at least....i don't know,
maybe more?) worlds that have to be healed.

there's our inner world. the world that holds our
inner child, our wounds, our value, our power.
that's the place i just thought i had to heal.
and then i thought everything would be okay.
like, you know, that's ENOUGH work for one life time.
and that would keep me busy forever and that would
be where the healing would all take place.

but there's another world. the outer world.
the world that holds the injustice. the world that
holds the things we have no control over. the world
that holds the darkness. and also holds the goodness
and the light. but i stress the hard things, the
heartbreaking things, the things that no other word
but 'evil' would really describe, because those are
the things that baffle the heart and seem to elude
my ability to make peace with the world.

and i think....that part of the process of healing
is somehow finding our way to acceptance of this
world. of finding acceptance of not being able to
control or change some things. and that is no small
task at all. i'm not sure if 'acceptance' is the right
word, but bear with me as this is all new. so i'm
gonna go with that word for now.

and to get to that acceptance (which i haven't yet)
seems like we have to find it deep inside of us.
which would explain, i guess, why it would be part
of our healing process.

because it demands we go so deep inside and we find
what it is that allows us to get to that spot.

it really hit me this morning that healing is a two-parter
(at least) and that each part is more than enough for
a life time...

looking back at the last few years where i've struggled
so much with my beliefs, and my spirituality....i see that
that too has been part of the healing path.

and i guess, without even really knowing it, i had looked
on it more like a weakness. like a muddled-headedness, like
something i should have a better handle on.

i didn't look at it as part of the healing process.

and this morning, as i type this, the tears fill my eyes...
because i'm thinking it's a road i really have to travel.
and it's a good thing after all. it's not a weakness,
it's a growing. it's a growing into strength.

it's all entangled, all intertwined, all part of the whole.
and healing can't ever be just about what's inside of you.
because everything is so connected.

that's the thought that's comin' thru this morning.
not sure about it....but really wanted to type it out and
think on it.....and i'm not sure why, but i'm feelin' pretty
darn excited about it.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this morning. There are so many things that I will never be able to "accept" so my word is "assimilate." Assimilation brings me to an understanding without acceptance as a necessary part of the equation.

Anonymous said...

Loving this.. I sooooo get this space...