well....i'm thinking apparently the time is ripe for me
to learn something here...
not once, but TWICE in less than a week i have had my
face slammed into seeing.
and i gotta tell ya, slammed does not feel good.
both times it took a whole lotta effort on my part, but
i could see that while the current situation going on
around me certainly felt deeply a certain way, if i was
going to be truly honest and look at myself, it wasn't
that way at all.
it wasn't that way at all.
i get real real tired tryin' to untangle that kinda thing.
i have to see what it is i'm feeling, then i have to look
at what's really happening. that takes so much effort for
me, because if it feels so strongly then wouldn't it HAVE to
be the way i'm perceiving it?
i know better.
so i dive inside and go look.
i find that hard as it's not things i want to look at.
it's that old song that won't find its way out of me...
'you don't matter. you aren't seen. you can't be loved
the way you want.'
those things are really hard for me to go face.
both i times i did.
then okay, you understand that song is bubblin' up and coloring
so you gotta look at the reality.
well, that'd be a fine thing if you could just look at the reality
and say 'oh, okay, everything's fine. i'm good.'
but, for me, it just doesn't work that easy.
i get 'oh, everything's fine, this is past, it's not goin' on,
it's still in you, it feels miserable, and i can't even blame
anyone else for this misery i'm feeling. and i want to blame
someone else and make it their fault, get mad, be irate about
how i'm being treated, and go do something else.'
and that's not an option if you want to be honest.
what i got yesterday was ......wow........wow.......wow......
there's STILL a part of me that hurts soooooooo darn bad.
there's still a wound that comes up, opens up and oozes all
over me and it's a miserable feeling.
and i got this.......
there's a good chance that it's gonna be around for a long time.
that it will come up and ooze just when you least expect it.
as it did yesterday - knocking me completely off center.
completely off center.
and i got this.....
maybe it'll always be there.
maybe it'll take a long time to go away.
maybe that shouldn't be your focus.
maybe what you should do is keep goin', moving forward,
trusting, and feeling this all at the same time.
maybe i've been looking to moving forward by not feeling
this. that when i didn't feel this anymore i'd really
move forward. that if i could just get this all healed,
then i'd really travel.
maybe the traveling will always carry this.
and maybe when i travel, i just need to feel it, know it's
there and know it's the past not the present.
and it can still hurt and it can still make me so sad.
but it doesn't have to color anything else goin' on.
maybe i have to have the strength to carry it along and know
that it'll do it's thing. and i can handle it. and the more
i know it's not my present, the less powerful it will be.
i think i fear it's power.
i know i fear it's power.
along with fearing the sadness it carries.
i think that if i embrace the sadness, and carry that,
there need be no worry about it's power.
that's what i got yesterday.
and now, today, that's what i'm sitting with.
i will be browsing thru a book called 'when the past is present'
the line i got this morning is this....
'to be stuck is to refuse to say yes to reality as it is
and to move on from there.'
i'm not stuck....just a little slow......