toying and tinkering

here's a thought that's been floating around enough that
i'm starting to notice. have even played with it just a
tiny bit. think it might be one of those things i want
to make part of my life....actually, think it could be
a WAY of life....but i haven't gotten that far with it yet.

but figured i'd throw it out here for us all to play with...

it's the idea of stepping back from the 'strings' of things
and going above that and looking at the broader picture.

in trying to think how to put this into words, a car drove
by me this morning and honked. i looked up and it was one
of the jehovah's witnesses that comes and visits me. she
had a big, big smile and was wavin' away. i really like her.
i smiled and waved back.

and then as i watched the car go down the street, i thought
she was the perfect example of what i'm trying to say.

i'm not religious at all. let alone even close to that religion.
and yet, these ladies come by and have been coming by for years.
and there's actually a love between us. they come in, we catch up
with each other, share stuff that's close to our hearts, and
really care about each other. there's bible stuff, cause that's
what they do. but it's the other stuff that just seems amazing
to me.

i easily got by the 'strings' of the religion part when they'd
come by. i'm always curious what people believe, and i like to
find out about that and then comments about god always get me
rollin' on my own thoughts, so i never minded the bible readings
or whatever they had to offer.

those things are strings. and i took the strings and went beyond them
to do my own thinking about what was goin' on inside of me.

a string tho, that i just couldn't seem to get around til really
recently was the fact that they figured i was not gonna be in
'paradise' with them cause i wasn't one of them. that bugged me.
and the people praying for my soul has always made me a bit
grouchy.

how come? this morning that was like a big 'who cares?' and
even beyond that..it was cool with me. i know they truly care
about me. i believe that. and this is really important to them,
so they want me to be included. that's okay with me. just don't
push me, which they don't, and i'm okay.

and then i thought about how that kinda thing always bugged me
cause i didn't feel seen. and i smiled. i'm gettin' way more okay
with not needing everyone in the world to see me. this is big
stuff and i think it's necessary for the string theory here.

so this morning as i walked i realized i got beyond that string.
and what i am able to see is some really caring women who are
living what they believe.

it's the broader picture that i want to act from.

a friend came to me with something going on that drives me crazy.
why? cause i get caught up in the strings. i can't believe she
can't see this or can't understand that. and the strings wrap me
up and tie me down.

when i can get beyond those strings and see a woman growing at
her own pace. a woman wanting to be loved just like the rest of
us, a woman on her journey doin' the best she can....well, everything
gets a lot easier on my end.

leave the strings, see the broader picture.

wow.
this is about as basic as you get, and i'm just now stumblin'
my way into it. i think i've lived a lot of it without thinking
about it. i'm pretty sure i have. that's how come i could get close
to the jehovah ladies in the first place.

but i know darn well i've never lived this intentionally.
and i know that this losing the need to be seen by everyone is
going to really really help in my growth.

so i'm doin' some playin' with this all.
some experimenting.
some toying and tinkering......

and i think i'm on to something.