trusting again...........or trying to.....

i walked fast this morning.
one of those mornings i knew i wasn't walkin'....
i was runnin' inside.

runnin' from what someone had shown me.
i knew of his angst. knew of his turmoil.
but ya know, sometimes it's easier for me to
just kinda look a little sideways and just not too deep.
not hold it too much. kidna skirt around it.

and there without warning, i was looking as deep as i think
anyone can.

and i leaned back, sickened.

there was no looking sideways at this.

and i just didn't know what to do.

i cried a little bit, i felt sick a bit.
and then this morning i fairly ran around the block.

there's nothing i can do.
and i know that.

and so....i look at my beliefs.
and i ask myself do i really believe it's choices.
how we handle it all is choices.

yes.
i do.
it is up to us.

do i really believe by our living our own light,
that helps others?

yes.
i do.

and so i thought of him.
and i thought of me.
and how odd it was that i loved him so much.
and how i had to let go of the control freak side of me.
and how i had to know this was his.

and it was up to him.
and i can't fix it.

and that all i could do was live my own light.

and accept the darkness that is there.

yeah.
i gotta accept. cause it's there.
it's so big time there.

but.
but.
but.

i don't have this acceptance stuff down.
it's one of my biggest challenges.
i don't know how to accept darkness.

and if i challenge it by sending love, by wrapping him
in light....is that not accepting where he's at?

or is it just trying to help?

or just trying to calm my own self down?

i can't figure this stuff out.
all i know is there's this tortured soul right there
in my face...and i can't just smile and nod.
and he can't hear me speaking to him.
so i can only figure one thing out to do....
wrap him in light.
over and over and over again.

and try to remember that life is a process.
and i need to trust that process.

over and over and over again, i tell myself that.

trust the process.
trust in life.