TOOTB

i found some new territory this morning inside of me......
wanted to share.....

so the second he said a certain word with a certain tone,
i felt the sting on my face.
it truly was like a slap in the face.
i felt it, noticed it, and STILL didn't realize it was
a button.

i felt myself crawl into a shell and STILL didn't know it
was a button.

okay, so brilliantly quick, i am not.

i went to where that button brings me.
the feeling.
the feeling was that there was something fundamentally wrong
with me.
i went there and started to crawl away.

i stopped.

thankfully, i trust him that much that i could ask him about it.
thankfully, he's that cool that he could stop and talk about it.

he went to explaining himself and what he meant and how it came
out wrong. which i spose gave me the room to go to where i needed
which was - why did i have this huge reaction? i didn't think he
had done anything wrong. so why this huge reaction???

found it as i asked out loud about it.
bam.
found it.

okay.
now i know where it came from and it is indeed a button for me.

taking that on a walk into the gray misty morning, i asked myself
what i do with it now.
seemed like this was something to take to the white tree visual.
how do i grow my white tree??? (for those
unfamiliar with the whole white tree concept, i went and found
the blog that talks about it. think i'll link that every time i
mention this white tree stuff. go here if you're curious.)

what do i do with this to grow my tree? my core value? my self worth?

well.....i have to know this isn't about me not being enough. that this
isn't 'my flaw.' ('flaw' may not be the best word, but it's the one i have
right now)
this is something that the originator of the button was weak on.
not me.

so...the originator of the button will now be referred to as "TOOTB"

okay.
i walked and held that a bit.
now what?

okay, you gotta take that heap of ashes that symbolizes that particular
button...you have to know that's covering some of your sunlight
for your tree and you have to push those ashes back to TOOTB.

whoa.

bam.

i hit new territory.

i didn't want to.

now....i've pushed heaps of ashes to whoever gave them to me before in
visuals. at times with great gusto. why not now???

why this big resistance???

'i don't want to hurt TOOTB.' i thought.
tears in my eyes.
'TOOTB can't hold them.' i thought.
more tears.

wait a minute, terri. this is YOUR visual.
you get to do whatever you want. you can have TOOTB do whatever
you want.

but i don't feel like he'd really take them, i counter.
'he won't take them and i'll hurt anything that was ever there
between us.'

wow.
wow.
wow.

new territory for me.

amazing stuff.

even more amazing when you realize that TOOTB is gone now.
anything that i have to do with TOOTB is completely in my head.
he's no longer here to work this out with.

so i walked.
and i thought about the different stages to this stuff.
this working thru your baggage stuff.

i don't know what those stages are and any list i make would be lacking
i'm sure. but i do know there's the first stages where you don't
even realize all the baggage. you don't even know you have any!!!

then you find stuff, figure it out a bit, and there's anger.
lots of anger.
there's wrestling inside.
lots of wrestling.
there's not letting go and living the story over and over.
there's the attempts to let go.
there's the seeing the grips you didn't even know were there.
there's forgiveness.
there HAS to be forgiveness to get anywhere.
there's back sliding, and amazing forward strides.
there's calm and peace, there's craziness.
there's a ton of stuff in the stages.

and i can see clearly how i've gotten thru the first
stages and really gotten somewhere.
i can see clearly that i've got a brand new one right in front of me here.

and now i see a way i can grow with it - and i resist it.
for fear of something completely in my head.
made up.
the person isn't even alive anymore.

i thought of how if i hand those ashes to him in my mind,
then there's a feeling that i'm making him less than i want
him to be to me.

woe.

i argue that one.
that's pretty obviously wrong.
i argue how he was just a person and that all the complexities
of being a human is the stuff of us. that doesn't make anyone
less.

i got that.
okay.
think i can work with that.

it's the being afraid to hurt him that i'm stuck on.
it's the believing he wouldn't hold his own stuff.
he'd put it back on me.
and then i'd need to put it down and walk away.
and no, i'd never get what i wanted from him.
i'd need to know for myself that those weren't my ashes.
and that it's up to him what he does with his own stuff.
but i can't hold them for him.
and those are his choices not mine.
in accepting me i also accept him.
in accepting him i also accept me.
they're directly connected.

i have never seen this in this way before.

and now i know that i'll be workin' on a visual of handin'
that pile of ashes over. looking him in the eyes, knowing
that i love him for who he is, these are his, and whatever
happens to those ashes is okay, as long as i do my part
and make way for the sunlight. then i must sit back, tilt
my head up and feel the sunshine.

i'll be workin' on that......