white

so i had this whole 'in my head' experience which was an odd one
because i was afraid of something that wasn't there!

and then i pick up that book i really like, 'when love meets fear'
and read this -

'neurotic' means repetition of archaic ways of protecting ourselves
against what no longer truly threatens us.'

ha!
can you just believe that?

my eyes get wide.
i grin.
great. i'm neurotic.

he then gives us a line for what ego's about - 'ego is a device
for believing you are separate, in control, entitled to an exemption
from the conditions of existence.'

(love the 'entitled to an exemption' part)

okay....then a sentence on what the Self is - 'The Self is the same in
everyone: unconditional love, perennial wisdom, and the power to heal
ourselves and others.'

okay, now we got all that, we go to this:
'Our psychological work is to bring our ego into the service of the
Self, to design our every thought, word, and deed to show the love,
wisdom, and healing that we were born with.'

"Nothing less is required for wholeness than the total dissolution
of the neurotic fear-bound ego....."

hmmmm.....

and then i thought of my kitchen.
there's this part i needed to paint last nite (yes, it goes on and on...
15 minutes here, 15 minutes there) and these particular 15 minutes were
in the dark.

yeah.
zakk was workin' on the light, had the power off, and it was my slot
of time to paint.

hmmmm.....
it was just a recoating on a flat area, no sweat.
i don't need to see.

i grabbed a bucket of paint that i had around the house. it said 'white'
on the front. thing is, i didn't notice the little tag on the top where
it had the color it had been mixed to. some darn off-white color.

who knew?

i painted my spot, joked with the guys about painting in the dark,
washed up my brush, was throwing dinner together when the lights went on.
i looked at what i had painted.

hmmmmmmmm........

sure didn't look white.

hmmmm.....

'maybe it'll dry white.' i said hopefully as i dished out dinner.

hmmmmmm........

'that's not white.' the guys commented.

'maybe it'll dry white.' i said again.

and laughed.

and i kept saying it.
cause i kept hoping.

it wasn't white.
obviously.

but i said it again.
hmmmmmm.....maybe it'll dry white.

this morning as i coated white paint over it in the light,
i was smiling at the whole thing.

i could just stand there and try to convince myself it'll fix
itself. cause i'm tired. and i just want it to be white.

and as i type out these thoughts about my psychological work,
i think of my kitchen.

when it's obviously not right, and still standing there hoping
it'll fix itself...well, yeah, i'm quite capable of doing that
with my head stuff.

hmmmmm.......maybe it'll go away.
hmmmmmmmm......maybe it'll all just heal.

and this morning, in the light, thinking about what i had just read,
i know i just gotta dig in and keep doin' what i gotta do.
'nothing less is required than the total dissolution of the neurotic
fear bound ego.'

it won't dry white unless i paint it white.
i think that's a new mantra of mine........