friendship

tonite, i sit here and think about friendship.
tomorrow one of my friends turns 50.
i was sposed to be there with her to celebrate
and couldn't make it.
i haven't forgotten that for one minute.
with my first thought today of imagining being on
the beach with her talking and looking at the waves...
i wonder if she knows how much i wanted to be there.

i got to thinking of all we have been thru together.
and the twisty road that we've been down.
it made me reflect on all my friendships.

they were sad thoughts at first.
there's some sad stuff goin' on....

another friend of mine is struggling and i can't
help. not only can i not help, i'm screaming inside that
i disagree with so much that's goin' on and i know
i can't be heard. i walked around my yard in tears today
just to release the emotion that had no place to go.

there's the friend i listened to and felt helpless and lost
not sure how my conflicting values fit in with her problems.
and being uncomfortable enough that i just wanted to hide.

i've argued with myself many times that i can't put
my values and my views on anyone but me.
sounds real good.
but at times it's real real hard to practice.

i've watched friends delude themselves just as i'm sure
they've watched me do the same. silently i watched trying
to trust the process they were in.

trust the process.
over and over i repeat that to myself.

cause i find myself questioning myself.
can i really be the friend they need?
maybe i'm just not friend material.
maybe i'm just not cut out for relationships.
can i honor myself and them at the same time?
how do i handle the madness and the sorrow that comes from
caring so much and being different than them??

and then i smiled.
i thought of my friend at the beach.
and some of the belly laughs we've shared.
and the incredible closeness.
i thought of all my friends and what they bring to me.
and how i couldn't get thru some of my days without them.

it's life, ter.
it's just like life.
it's never gonna be all smooth.
there's never gonna be one answer.
the questioning that you fall into with them helps you grow
yourself. you need them. even the pain of it all at times.
just trust the process.
and keep learning how to love.

trust. and keep learning...