exuberance

i was gonna type it out last nite.

no, ter.
wait.
what if it leaves you? what if what you're feeling now is gone in the morning?

wait and see.

waking up to exuberance, i smiled.

exuberance.

yeah.
it's still here.

it's so still here.

and how do i describe this???

is it possible that after ten years, i've finally, finally crossed
over for real into my life????

is that possible???

is it possible that after ten years of wrestling with the whisperings
of 'not good enough' 'not loveable' 'wrong, bad, misguided'...
that i actually know those whisperings can go whisper somewhere else
cause they won't work anymore???

oh, i guess they'll still come up.
they would have to, right? i mean, those things are deep. they prolly
still have some roots. but....perhaps...perhaps.....just perhaps they'll
whisper they're stinky little whisperings less and less.

cause i tell ya what - they couldn't do me a bit of damage today.
CAUSE I AM FILLED WITH A KNOWING TODAY!!!

HA! go figure.
just GO FIGURE.

i thought i'd be wrestling with self doubt. i thought i'd be filled
with 'backlash' and waves of buttons being pushed.

HA!

NO!

i repeat NO!

i feel great.

it isn't me.
i'm not the problem.

and i think of my bone sigh: 'they were wrong - she was okay just the way she was.'

HA!

i listened to bone sighs that i recorded as i drove early in the day.
i took them to heart. i listened and saw how much i wanted to live with love.
i saw stuff about me that i can't see when i look at me. but i could hear
thru my bone sighs.

i don't know if that gave me the push, or if ten years of work gave me the
push, if having a partner in my life who is truly teaching me love did it,
if having all my guys support me on my way out and always did it...
if the time was right, if that was it.
if it was all of that mooshed together.

i have no idea.

just driving home i never felt happier in my life.
ever.

huh???
that was totally unexpected.

is it possible....is it really possible that all this 'trust the process'
stuff i keep tallkin' about really works?? yeah, i believe in that stuff.

and the stuff about 'when the time is right, you'll know.'

yeah. wow. yeah. wow. yeah. i think maybe so..........

the time was right.
i didn't hold self doubt for one second.
NOT ONE SECOND.
should i repeat that???
NOT ONE SECOND~!!!!
i held compassion, i held love, i wrestled with some of that love.
'c'mon ter, you can do it, offer it.'
i wrestled with some of it.

but i never wrestled with who i was.

I NEVER WRESTLED WITH WHO I WAS.

i LIKED who i was.

and i KNEW without any ounce of a doubt that my moving to my own life
was the holiest thing i could have ever done.

holy.

it wasn't wrong.
it wasn't bad.
it isn't the reason for anyone else's pain. they're the reason for
their own pain. not me.

moving into what would make me more, what would grow me, what would help me
become me was/is HOLY.

holy.
wow.

ten years it took.
ten years.

and now....i feel really really ready to turn fifty.

i just got the best birthday gift i ever could get.
and i'm the one giving it to myself.

fifty. yeah, i'm ready.

i'm so ready. took all of my forties to get here.
but i made it with a few days to spare.

we'll be going to a funeral on the day we had planned to celebrate.
and i don't know why, but that doesn't feel wrong to me.
it doesn't feel like a disappointment to me.

to be there for a friend who just thanked me for 'all that i was'
with tears in her eyes....that isn't something i take lightly.
that's something i try to hear and hold. and today, i'm holding it.
some people can see me. some people can. and i'm holding that.

to remember that life is brief, to remember that i'm still here,
dancing and crying and singing and moaning....that isn't something
i'm taking lightly either. another thing i'm holding right now.

and then to honor nother's passing....it just feels right to me.

we'll squeeze in our own celebrating here and there.
but i don't care at all.
because my entire being is soaring today.

i'm okay.
and i know it.

go figure.

i am bowing to the universe with tears in my eyes and my heart is
swelling with thankfulness....