plexiglass walls......

i've been on board the emotions-show-up-in-the-body train for years.
have been aware of that, believed that, and watched with amazement over some of the stuff.
i swear, every single time a certain relative came to stay, i got a pain in the butt.
i swear it's true. and i knew it.
the pains in the neck, the back, the shoulders....even when i'd get mad at a certain someone,
i could guarantee a zit on my face in the same spot. there were certain spots for certain people.
no kidding.
and yes, i believe in this stuff.

but this train of mine, took a new turn last nite and it has totally intrigued and excited me.

i think it's because i was in a good spot and really wondering what exactly my good spot meant
for me. i knew some of what it meant, but i wondered a lot about how my feelings of not
being loveable would be now. would i lose those? would they at least lose their intensity?
would it be way longer between those waves? what was really happening?

and i believe that curiousity had me watching closely.

so last nite, when i hung out with bob and felt some weird stuff goin' on inside of me, i
stopped and looked.

solid in my belief in his love, i wondered what the heck my problem was. if that's really solid,
then what's up with the feelings?

i decided to talk to him about it.

we had a good conversation that should have taken care of it, but didn't.

quietly i tried to figure out what i was feeling.

i realized my face hurt.
even my eyelids.

this is not an unusual feeling for me. i've had this feeling many times before. but this time
i really really wanted to figure it out. was this about deep issues or something else?

what does it feel like, ter???

and i realized it felt like i walked full force splat into a plexiglass wall. and smacked my
face into it.

my eyes got big.

i sat right up.

i started telling bob, who got a little stuck just trying to grasp the idea that my face hurt.
this morning when i picture his face when he heard that, i keep laughing. the guy must get so confused with me sometimes.

i kept going cause i needed to know.......

is it possible.......is it just possible that he had put up a wall or walls and i walked smack
into them???????

is that possible???

being the trusting spot that he is, he talked about this with me.
i so appreciated his openess and honesty.
what a good good friend.

the bottom line that i got was yes.
yes he did.

and what was so cool was that wasn't a problem.

i understand walls, get that we all do it, and know that he and i can work on that stuff.
that wasn't my focus. my focus was that now, when i feel this particular feeling, i can
look for the wall stuff. that that may be exactly what's goin' on. and i can work with that.

and i was thrilled.
just thrilled.

this wasn't about some deep 'i'm not loveable' thing....it was that i walked into a darn wall.

now, yeah, the walls have to be dealt with.
but that's life. i get that.

i'm fired up now.
i'm thinking my body has a whole lot more it can guide me on.
and i'm ready to listen.

i've been trying to listen for years.
but i think i just opened to something new here.

it never stops, does it? the learning we can do....
i love that......