shifting gears...

so i walked and thought....

'aren't you just a goofy duck, terri??'

i was thinking about the things i do in attempt to help myself
cope, when really....i'm not helping myself at all.

but it's a habit, it's what i do, without questioning it, it's what i do.

this morning i was looking at it and questioning it.
i recognized that it felt wrong and i needed to look at it.

i was thinking of the process i do to shut down the gates, close off the
doors, and put the walls up all around my heart and soul.

i can feel it happen.
i can feel it happen, because feelings just stop happening.
or they wait until i'm all alone at nite to come crashing down,
but they don't come out during the day.

i go from a life filled with feelings, to walking around numb.
numb.
just nothing there.

i close off people along with those feelings.
the gates are locked.

and there i stay while the storm is around me, and i 'cope.'

hmmmmmm......
i wondered about that this morning.

do i cope?
or am i hurting myself and calling it coping?

the argument came quickly.....'you HAVE to close down to protect yourself in
certain situations. everyone will tell you that. you HAVE to. there are some
places that are obviously not safe, and it's what healthy people do.'

maybe.

but how i do it isn't so healthy.
doesn't feel like what healthy people do.

i can't seem to discern who i close out and who i don't, so everyone gets locked out.
i can't seem to discern what feelings to feel, so i close them all down.

maybe it'd be healthy and right if i could lock out the 'scary people' and
lock out the...what??.....scary emotions???

hmmmm....not sounding real healthy to me......

'lock out' in itself doesn't sound all that right to me...

i think i go in the wrong direction with this stuff.

when i'm in tough spots in my life......i think i want to go in another direction.

but this is new to me.
i'm not sure what it is. what direction to go in???

an open heart???
ouch.
i can tell you right now i can see the pain from that one a mile away.
and the mistake of that.

but wait a minute.....
wait a minute......
maybe it's not exactly like it looks....
maybe it's not an open heart to that person there who hurts me a lot,
or that person there who can't see me...
maybe that's not it at all.

and maybe that's the only choice i've ever looked at before.
which would definitely explain the lock down.

how about an open heart to LIFE?

seriously.

how about an open heart to knowing this is my life and it's filled
with all kindsa things....and i'm open to that.
cause i know i 'm growing and learning and truly living.

what if it's an open heart to TRULY LIVING???

seriously.

and i know for a fact, i'm not truly living when i do this lock down stuff that i do.

what if it's a whole different angle?

what if everything isn't so personal?
what if everything's broader?
wider?
what if everything just means 'this is life, and you're part of it,
be open to it.'????

i can almost guarantee you that if i could do that, i actually would end
up with an open heart to the people who hurt me. because it wouldn't be
personal, and i could see THEIR pain.

i think i want to try this.
but i don't think i'll pull it off right away.
my close the fort deal is a pretty deep habit.
trusting life can be pretty scary for me.

but my gosh, i think this is the way to go.
it's certainly worth a shot...