Sunday, May 15, 2011

what a day

so this one had my head spinnin' just a bit......

the funeral first.
man, that stuff is hard.

i watched myself. if i didn't think about it all, i could keep the tears back.
the second i went into thinking about it, the tears were right there.
at one point, tired of the religious rhetoric, i put my fingers against the
wall i was sitting near. i pressed the high gloss shiny paint, felt it,
and thought about how i was here to feel it, and this man wasn't. i started
to go into thinking about it all. and the tears came readily
i moved my fingers back to my lap and tuned back into the preacher.
i didn't want to be doin' a lotta cryin'.
i wanted to be more of a rock for my friend.
i would stop thinking too much.
for now.

the minister had all the answers, wasn't sad, and was doin' just fine.
i watched him with interest. overweight, pale, and content. i tried
to like him. i tried to tell myself he was doin' a good job.

it wasn't workin'. my thoughts were getting negative.

life is weird, i thought.

someone had made a point before the service to tell me she had heard
of my kindness thru this. she wanted me to know.

sitting there now, quietly, i wondered about it.
as far as i knew, what i had done, anyone would do. and i know that's true.
it wasn't outstanding.

the only thing that might possibly be different is that i know first hand
what it's like to have people bail out on ya, and to find yourself alone.
i know first hand what a treasure it is to have someone come up and say
'i'm here.' and maybe because of that, i do it a little more intensely
sometimes. i sat and thought about the pain of watching the backs of the
people you want to be there for you as they walk away. who knew that view
would teach me so well what not to do? who knew that pain would add to
some sense of intensity inside of me? and who knew that'd become noticeable?

life is weird, i thought again.

i saw how far i had left religion behind. that stuff that used to be such a part
of my life now just wasn't. i tried to participate and be part of it for my friend.
i couldn't recite the words that were there to recite.
i just can't do that anymore.

i did want to participate in one prayer. i can take that one and turn it around
in my head and make it something i like.

i tried.
but my voice choked.
it would truly be praying for me.
and i just couldn't do it out loud without choking up.
i stopped.

i wasn't gonna be able to get it out.
better to just listen.

my friend's a short little lady. i can just about scoop her up.
and afterwards i did.
so tight, i scooped her up and held her.
i stood on my tip toes and reached around her son's neck and
held him.
gently told him that he couldn't fix this for his mom, to try to
remember not to put that pressure on himself,and that he was gonna
need some help and we were there.

i watched all three of my sons hug him.
i wondered if they would. noah and zakk hadn't seen him in years.
would they reach out and hug him? would he be okay with that?

yes, all the way around.

and then we drove home to a party.
talk about weird.
life is weird, i thought, over and over thru the nite. life is weird.

i was surprised when i saw the inflatable buzzard on the inflatable headstone
in the yard that said 'over the hill' or whatever it said....
i think i was too stunned to really take in what it said.
bob had shown up while we were gone and added to all the decorations that were
already up!!!
and he did indeed go for the decorations we all knew were in poor taste.
i smiled, knew where his heart was, and walked in to find him.

he had cooked dinner, made my favorite healthy dessert, had goodies all over
the table and was in his festive party shirt.

i hugged him tight.

and then went off to take a shower.
i wanted to wash the sadness off and let the party feeling come in.

it didn't totally work.
i guess maybe cause i didn't want it to totally work.
i wanted to hold my friend and her son in my heart still.
and i did.
as i laughed and joked and gambled and ate and goofed and secretly
held the sadness here and there in between things.

i looked around and saw the love, and i shot it right back at these guys of mine.
and i knew, that for this moment, i had everything.
all we have are the moments. and this one i was gonna relish with all that was inside
of me.

a birthday to remember for sure.....

1 comment:

lghahn01 said...

Hoping this helps ... Letter written to someone after the passing of his wife ...
from the Maharaji ...