body awareness

my body's callin' me...
and this time i've noticed before there's any pain!

i'm a big believer in emotions totally affecting your health.
and if your body needs you, it's gonna call you, and if you
don't listen, it's gonna holler...

i decided just before i turned 50 to get a little healthier,
to lose those extra pounds, to get a bit more in shape and feel
good about myself.

it all started out so noble a month ago...
and now it's pretty much about losing weight and sorta lost its
focus. i maybe lost a pound or two. i'm discouraged that that's
it....and thinking this sucks.

that's not what it started out as.....

but last nite, as i rolled over to turn the light off,
i kinda heard my body say 'pay attention to me.'

and so i lay there in the dark just feelin' how i was feelin'.
talkin' to my body. it felt good to tune in.

this morning i remembered as i was on the treadmill.

i could feel some stress leaving me as i moved along and it made
me wonder about all the emotions locked up inside of me (us).

i started moving faster and thinking about unlocking all that was
inside of me.....just letting it out....cleansing myself.

i moved with that intent.
ohhhh it felt good.

i didn't get to any purifying point there, but i sure could
feel the possibilities of really working with myself and being
aware.

and so as i walked i thought about it.
and i don't know how i managed to do this....musta just been in
the right fuzzy frame of mind....but i'd get lost in a thought,
really lost....and then pull myself out of it and think 'okay,
what's that doin' to your body? what do you feel?'

and i'd notice my jaw tensed up and my tongue pushin' against
my mouth.

and then, as if i planned it, i'd fall right back into another
thought and get really lost in it and then pull myself back
and figure out how i was feeling.

over and over i did this.
i even amazed myself.
how can anyone just get so lost so easily over and over again
without trying to do this???
i laughed at myself, was glad it was happening, and tried to
figure out the different things.

there was tension in the shoulders for one thought.
there was lightness for another.

on and on it went.
and everything had something a bit different.

i knew all this.
have felt where my emotions affected before.
this isn't news.

but what's got me is the idea of really really workin'
with my body.

when i started last month, it was to feel better about myself
and to feel healthier.

and it just got lost in the shuffle.
i want to grab that again, but take it one step further...

i want to be aware of my body and what it needs.
ask it what it needs. and listen.

i had started doin' that a bit with the eating.
paying attention to when i really wanted to eat, and how much
i really wanted to eat. when i got full. becoming more aware.

this is like that....only beyond food.

there is now a sticky note on my desk - 'body awareness'
and at least for today, i'm going to pay attention.

there's this whole world of myself i ignore every single day.
think it's time that stopped.....