Thursday, June 16, 2011

part two of something....

so enjoying confusion the way i do, i think i need to start part two
with a part one of itself.

about a month ago, i blogged about an insight i had. it was completely
unexpected and came from a situation that i thought would really unravel me
and knock me to the floor. but instead, it sent my soaring with an insight that
i really had worked ten years for.

i realized that my leaving the old life of mine was not only right, but it was holy.

that is one heck of a sentence for me to write.

the guilt and self doubt that were involved with that leaving were so tremendous.

and yeah, it took me ten years to get to where i could see that what i had done
was open myself up to really living. which is, as far as i can tell, truly holy.

so that's part one of part two here.
and it's a big deal.
because something deep was shifted.

i do think that shift plays into part two here.
along with a million other things.

things like for the past few months i've been really at some kinda raw point
in my relationship. really at a point i had never been before and at a point
that's been scaring me. i haven't known how to cope with things that i normally
could cope with. i've been wobbly and off and filled with doubts.

and somehow looking at everything with those mixed in, i think everything's been
playin' together to set this all up beautifully. it was like it had to come
to a certain point before it could all happen like it did.

and the middle of a time where i'm a complete mess, crying my heart
out about emotions born way way way in the past that i couldn't let go of,
confused about what was going on inside of me and around me, my partner sat
with me and talked me thru it. and waited for me and loved me. and then he
asked me to trust him, to come with him, and he took me by total surprise and
with words i will never ever forget, he proposed.

it was the situation....the depth of what was going on....the rawness of what
i was feeling...his actions....his words....the trust we had built up together
over the years...the work we had done together...who he is....who i all
came to this moment.

and it was there in that moment that something very very deep changed inside of me.

and i had no idea.
at a top level anyway.
at a deeper level i knew.
and it's taken me days and days to really process thru it.
to really try to see what's goin' on inside of me.

and it's completely completely life changing.

for the first time ever that i can remember, i have put that deep deep baggage down.
that deep deep stuff that says no one can ever love all of me. no one can ever really
love me.

that deep stuff that runs thru every vein, every cell.

i put it down.

i didn't even know if that was possible.
i didn't even know if that's something you can really do.

and i don't know if it's something i'll pick back up or not.
i really don't know.

all i know, is that right now, for the first time in my life,
i'm not carrying that weight around.

and if this is really going on? if this has really really changed
(and i think it has).....then that's something to shout from the rooftops
because a whole lot of us need to hear it........

ohmygosh........can you imagine???

i've been watching for days now........and i'm thinking it's true.

and i'm thinking that it isn't just because someone gave me an engagement ring.
and yet, i can't stop looking at the ring and remembering a moment when
i finally believed i was loved.


Lynne said...

I know what you mean, that feeling of finally believing I'm really free, (of him), finally really over him, past that raw hurt. Then something happens to remind me that I still have a right to keep being angry and hurt, and I'm trapped again in the old cycle. It's such a gut reaction, (habit?). Now I am able to think my way out of those old feelings, remind myself I'm over him, really over him, make that shift to inner peace and back to the new me.

So don't be surprised if you have a flashback or two or three. I believe it's all part of the process of discovering who we are, or of creating who we are, or want to be. Then again if you dumped those old rotten feelings, permanently, good for you!

Blessings, Lynne

Grace said...

:) Terri - Congratulations!! How wonderful...both on your engagement AND for laying that burden down at last.

As I started reading this, I was reminded of some studies I did waaaay back when I was a Bible teacher. I studied the word "holy"...and you know what it means? "Whole. Complete. Not lacking in Anything."

It's funny because we tend to put this 'religious' spin on the word Holy. But when God says to us ,"Be Holy, as I AM Holy.", what She is saying is:

"I am WHOLE. Nothing Good is missing. Everything you need is right here! Not only that, YOU are whole! Nothing GO(o)D is missing! You are EVERYTHING that you need to be! We are COMPLETE."

PG Wagner said...

I think that the knowledge that someone we love really truly sees us, warts and all, and loves us in spite of and because of those warts...the good and the such a gift.

Broken relationships leave scars in our souls, sometimes very raw scars. Finding someone who sees and understands those scars, who helps you heal those scars, to grow new tender skin over them, is a gift.

I haven't been ready to look for or find my gift yet, but I will be someday soon. I wish you all the very are an inspiration!