shining her light thru her darkness...

she'd been on my mind a lot already.
and then there were the missed calls and the messages.
with the connection happening yesterday.
it felt good to talk voice to voice.
just to hear her voice.

she's really really sick.
scary sick.
i asked her about it.
she feels that if she didn't hang on with all she had right now,
she wouldn't make it.

i rode my bike last nite and thought of her.
thought of what that must feel like at nite in the dark.
or alone in the afternoon.
or any time at all.

so scary.
and what do you hold on to?
what is it you hold on to???

she also knows that while she may be able to hang on this time,
she's not sure about the next one.
and one of these times, she won't be able to any more.

my eyes tear up just typing that.
and she's living it.

if you would, just take a moment and feel what that must be like.
take a moment and feel the intensity of that and how that
would be all consuming.

and then.....think about this......

in the middle of all that, she asked me about my happiness and
my engagement.

i wasn't going to talk about it.
and yet, the part of the story of the whole thing that moves my soul-
i knew she'd understand and would 'get.'
and it wasn't just about getting it for me.
i wanted to share that part with her because it felt like a
small victory for all of us who have walked around sure we
couldn't be really loved. it felt like something that would
touch her too.

but i wasn't gonna offer it.
didn't feel right.

and she asked.

she ASKED.

i thought of the elderly. how that time of life seems so all consuming.
the self centered stuff takes over and their world is all that they know.
people tell me it's cause their worlds are shrinking, because they are
preparing to leave, they experience so much loss.

i'm not sure i buy a whole lot of that.
i see them shrink on the outside and the inside. and i think it's
such a shame. and i watch and don't want to do that.

i think there's something missing from the whole deal,
and i'm thinking that it doesn't have to be that way.

and along comes my friend.
not elderly for sure. which would make it all the more self-consuming.
her world is shrinking, it's loss after loss for her, she's preparing
to leave...and yet, she still cares about those around her and what's
happening with them.

she still reaches out and loves.

still.

when she has every reason to stop.

THAT's what she hangs on to, i thought.
her heart. the love inside of her.
and yet.....i don't know that she really knows how beautiful it is.
so maybe that's not what she holds on to.

but it's what i hold on to.
cause you see, i have to hold on too.
in a much smaller, tinier way....i have to hold on too.
cause what she's going thru is so hard to witness and not be able
to stop. it's so hard to allow her journey to unfold.

and so, as i ride my bike and think of her,
as i go about my day and think of her,
i think of her heart....of the love that she is and offers...
and i hold on to the beauty of who she is.
she truly teaches me how to live.
she reminds me that we don't have to shrink...
that we can become more...
all the way thru.

she reminds me of who i want to be.
i hope that in return, i can remind her of who she really is.