still a mess......

well, it's kinda comforting to know i'm still an unstable mess.
no. let me rephrase that....i'm still just a very sensitive gal.

i was off my center yesterday and could feel it here and there pretty good.

when i sat at lunch with friends and the conversation turned to
death i didn't want to join in. and i really wanted the subject to change.
when i told noah about it later, he was surprised i didn't just change the
subject. he grins and says 'you're good at that.'
i looked at him and said 'that's how bad it was for me, i couldn't talk.
if i talked, i knew i'd cry and then of course we'd have to talk about it!'
we both laughed at that.

it's father's day weekend, and well, i've been missing my dad.
and the dying stuff hit too close to the topic.
and then, sure enough, the conversation went to my friend's dad dying.
talk about too close to home.

'okay,' i thought.
'i so want to leave.'

i just wanted to be in my studio and not sittin there tryin' not to cry.

and then, without thinking at all about it, i showed up at josh's gig last nite.
he was playin' a short set for the relay for life.
i went last year, no problem.

thing is, this year he played later.
and when he finished they started some memorial thing and had pictures
of people who had died up on the big screen.
the second i saw what was goin' on, my insides freaked and i wanted to leave.
my sister in law is really really sick with cancer.
and i just didn't want to be watchin' this.
it completely unraveled me.

josh had gone off to get water. zakk was out doin' something at the car.
i walked up to noah with a panicked look in my eye and said 'i gotta leave.
tell josh i'm sorry, but i gotta go.'

i couldn't get away from the music they were playing fast enough.

ever since the cleveland trip a few weeks ago, i can't get the shortness of life
off my mind.

it tumbled all over me yesterday.
i know we can't hold on and keep it all the same and keep it all forever.
i know that.

just weekends like this one find me struggling with that.