Sunday, July 17, 2011

concentrating on the good stuff...

i definitely wanted to sleep in longer,
but it was one of those mornings when i woke up just enough
that i was still sleepy but very able to think.

and something that i do believe will be an undercurrent in my life
forever, was up at the surface and in my thoughts.

there it was floating around in my head as i tried to go back to sleep.

none of the thoughts felt good.

i was ready to just get up and stop thinking when i told myself
to grab the quiet moment and just feel what i was feeling.

sadness filled every nook and cranny.

i allowed that to come in and just let it be.
and then i started thinking again.

it's just the way it is, i told myself.

you can't change it. you're gonna have to live with this
forever, you're gonna have to learn how to truly hold this.

i got up to make my bed.
and i thought of something i had just mentioned to my girlfriends.

told them that i think we look at everything from a 'normal' perspective.
we deal with people assuming that they're 'normal.'
but there's a whole whole whole whole lotta people out there who are
really off kilter. and you can't expect a 'normal' reaction from them.
and yet we do. we continue to try to explain things thinking if we
explain one more time, they'll get it. or if we show them this here
and do this, they'll see.

but that only works if the person wants to hear and wants to see.
and we assume everyone does.

a perfect time to remind ourselves to never assume.

pulling the covers up on my bed, i reminded myself of this.
you can't expect normal things here, ter.
and when you do, and don't get it, you get really sad.

this may be in your life, ter. but it's not about you.
it may feel like it, but it's not yours.
the only thing that is yours is your reaction to it.

and then i thought of my favorite moment of the day yesterday.
yes, there was a moment that stood out and i knew it was my

it was when he turned his head towards me, looked me in the
eye and said with such a smile on his face 'life sure can be
good, can't it?'

it was a powerful moment for me.
i knew he totally meant it and i totally agreed right back to him.

and i knew we had both been thru some of life's really stinky
parts together, and we'd shared some of life's really not good
moments. and we've shared some of life's best parts together and
some of life's really amazing moments.

and there he was, reveling in this wonderful moment and not anywhere
near any of the stinky ones. they didn't weigh in at all.

and i could feel every bit of that in his words and i could see
every bit of that in his eyes. and it felt so good.

i'm guessin' it's where you put your thoughts.
and where you put your energy.

this sadness isn't gonna just go away.
and i may very well need a good cry about it.
but you know what else??? this really good stuff isn't just
gonna go away. and i've got way way way more of the really good
stuff in my life.

today i'd really really like to live in the good stuff.

1 comment:

Brigitte / La de Ojos Azules said...

So would I. But, as I'm sure you well know, it's not always as easy as just saying it. As I've told my husband a lot in the past, just because you want it to be true doesn't mean that it is. However, maybe believing it for long enough can make it come true (ok, just trying to be optimistic, but probably not). I always tell people that you write what I think and, once again, that is so true. The incredible thing is sometimes I think no one else could possibly think these things... until I read your blog and feel comforted that you, too, have these feelings. What you told your girlfriends is exactly what I'm struggling with right now. But to hear that you're struggling with it, too... man! Ok, now I feel better ;)