i found it...and i used it....

i didn't see it coming,
and certainly hadn't planned it.

and when i saw it land at my feet,
my first thought was 'ah, no. i don't want to deal with this today.'

and then....
i knew i could.
i knew i would.
and i knew it was time.

i looked at my calm.
wow, go figure, i marveled.
i'm up for this.
i'm not only up for this,
i'm ready for this to happen.

and then i did something i've been preparing for for years.
i spoke my truth with my whole heart.
i wasn't apologetic, nor was i cruel.

i was honest, straight talking, and real.
and i said everything i wanted to without hesitation.

for me.
because i wanted to say these things.
because it was time i spoke them out loud.
not because i wanted to change any results,
or anyone's thinking, or anything.

i just wanted to say my truth out loud.
claim it, and step out of the game.

now that this had landed at my feet,
i would finally do what i had been building up to for years.

i have never in my life put my truth out with such conviction
and calmness.

i realized later it was not only because i had been workin' on
this stuff for years. and i could so see how that helped me out
here....but also.....because i had nothing left to lose.
if i felt i had things to lose, i would have been nervous,
scared, shaky.

instead i was calm and confident.

i have always loved that line in that janis joplin song...
the bobby mcgee one......
'freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.'

i felt that freedom today.

and another shift inside me took place.

i feel a profound sense of accomplishment tonite.
i truly have found my voice.