mattering and not......

so i got a little hunk of bob time last nite.
and i was so delighted.
didn't think i would, so it was an extra treat.
and i took it like the treat that it was.
i was delighted and tickled.

it wasn't very long tho, so i figured i'd nutshell my thoughts that
i wanted to share.

so i tried to nutshell and ended with a bottom line sum up -

'so the bottom line is here i thought i was loving so well
when i figured out i'm not loving, i'm playing a game and not
really looking at what i don't want to see.'

i let out a big sigh, a roll of the eyes and some dramatic
arm swoop.

he just looked at me with that calm steady stare that makes
me crazy.

what??????????

'you realize this is what you do, right?'

what??????????????????

'when you see you're getting somewhere, then you figure out you
have a really long way to go and you're not getting to the somewhere
you thought you were getting to.'

hmmmmmmmmmm......
i had to sit quietly for a minute.

he helped with something like 'the more you know, the more you
find you don't know.'

something like that.

and i do this all the time?
oh yeah, he nodded.
all the time.

i laughed.

then i proceeded to ponder out loud.
'maybe if i get really confident in who i am and know that i matter,
than maybe i can look at all this stuff and handle it and offer
love easily.'

he did that calm steady stare again.
'maybe it's when you get really comfortable that you don't matter.' he said.

ohhhhh....so we talked of people doin' what they're doin' for their own
reasons, and how we have to be okay with that and realize the world doesn't
revolve around us.

then there was the ego talk.
what exactly is ego?? well if you mean it this way...maybe this....
and if you mean it this way....maybe that.......

and then a lot of confusion in my mind.
and then chit chat.

'you've been absolutely no help,' i told him with a big smile.
he assured me he had and i'd figure that out later.

'yeah, maybe,' i agreed.

and yeah..........he SO had.....
cause i keep thinking about that figuring out that you don't matter.
and how important that angle is.

that's one heck of an angle.
and one i totally want to check out....