taking my seat...

i've mentioned here several times now how i really think we get
ourselves muddled up because we think people are hearing/seeing/caring
like we are. that a lot of times that works just fine. but there are
some very significant times where we're dealing with some truly,
deeply troubled people. and they're not workin' the same way at all.

that we get ourselves so completely frustrated because we think if we
just say it one more time, with different words maybe, or just show them
this way, or just try this....and it's lost on us that they can't/won't
see it no matter what. and the frustration level can get pretty high.

we just have such trouble accepting that these people work different.
cause it's an icky different. it's not a healthy different.

it's kinda like tryin' to take a course in an alien language.
i mean....alien....not just foreign.

i thought if i got that concept down, i'd be doin' good. i'd have the
language down...

and my gosh, i've had some pretty high level courses on banging your
head against the wall in frustration. i've noticed i have the part down
about how they can't hear you....my comprehension's not perfect,
but not bad either. i see that and understand that.

but last nite it started to really dawn on me that that is only one
part of the course. this might be like the conjugating verbs in that
alien language. there's a whole lot more than verbs, baby.

and what kinda hit was that if i really understood things like how
someone who operates in a way where they can't hear you or see you...
how it goes way beyond the conversations between you and them...
well, i'm not sure i woulda been up for the course.

because if you can't be seen or heard, you can't matter. or you can
only matter in a way that works for them. your role matters.

oh yeah, i had that down too....oh yeah, i'd nod, i understand that part too.

but if you don't really matter, you can easily be sacrificed for the
benefit of the person you don't matter to.

well, yeah, i thought i understood that too.

i've seen it, lived with it, thought i had that.

but i realized i see it thru my eyes. always tempered with my scale of
what is right and what is wrong. and i haven't wanted to see the scale
of the other...which is way different than my scale.

and it occurred to me that if i really truly saw how i could be thrown
under the bus with such ease, i wouldn't be able to handle it. if i
really saw the sacrifices of others that these people make to fill their own needs,
then i'd run in horror.

and why, i asked myself this morning.
if you say you know this stuff, why wouldn't you be able to handle it?

because somehow i still hang on to some kinda shred that i matter.
sorta. maybe.??? i don't know.
maybe that ANYBODY matters enough that you don't just go throwin' them
under the bus at your convenience. that there's a certain scale of decency.

mmmmmm........don't think everyone has that scale.

i think there's a lotta body throwers out there.....toss 'em here,
toss 'em there, toss them wherever as long as it helps the tosser.

and i realized that if i truly understood this, i would not have been
able to act with the love i've been trying to act with.

and THAT is what i want to start looking at.
not the body tossers. they are what they are.

but the love. that's the part that matters to me.

why i love, how i love...and how does one love truly deeply unhealthy
people in a real, honest and healthy way.

how does one see everything for what it is and still offer love?

yes, i know.....that's what love is, isn't it?
yeah, i know.....

and i thought i had some college level courses in all this before.
jeesh.
time to step into the love class and see if i'm even up to taking notes.
anyone got an extra pencil?