Thursday, July 28, 2011

there she goes again....

there's different forms it can start with...
different beginnings....

you can have 'oh for heaven's sake'
or 'oh for pete's sake'
or 'ohmygod'
or 'oh lord'
or just a big heavy sigh....

and then you can insert 'there she goes again.'

i was walkin' this morning and heard in my head
'oh my god, there she goes again' and i laughed out loud
right there on the street.

it was nice to laugh about it and have it strike my funny bone.

but suddenly i knew...i spend my days with that voice hangin' out in
the shadows!

i walked and thought about the question 'are you comfortable in your
own skin?'

'shoot, no!' i answered without hesitation.

hmmmm...that's not so good.
i didn't like that answer....or it's coming so fast.

but the question came right after the 'there she goes again thought'
and i knew that phrase hangs in my shadows....maybe even in my skin.
and causes discomfort.

i thought of my dad.
he'd mostly start with 'oh for heaven's sake.'
add to that this crazed look in his eyes like i got under his skin
and bulged his eyes out in the process. made his eyebrows arch in pain.

i'm laughing thinking about it.
but you know it's not funny.

and as i type i hear the lines in the music coming from the next room -

"break the line. we have to go. cause there's no way back where we're comin' from."

i think i break the line.
i think i move forward.
but then i see these things holding me back.
without even noticing them, they hold me back.

like not wanting to stir up that response again in anyone.
not wanting to ever hear 'oh my lord, there she goes again.'

on my walk tho, i was thinking maybe that's an okay thing.
maybe that's an okay line.
and maybe i just didn't know it.

i thought it meant people stopped loving me when i got that response.
at least for a moment. and if i got too many of them, it'd stop for good.
silly girl...

that's not love.
nor is it living...being afraid to hear that.

and maybe instead of making me cringe, it should make me smile.

i like that idea.

so without having any magic wand to wave and make myself love that line,
i've decided to play with it.

joke with myself with it.
use it when i'm being really me and work on relishing it.
work on taking that line that now causes discomfort under my skin,
and make it a lotion that soothes my skin and lets me know that
i'm really living.

not sure how to....but figure i'll start with playing...and go from there.

oh for heaven's sake....there she goes.
always playing, that girl........

that's me.
thank heaven.

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