she's taken to waiting for me in the mornings.
and i finally realize i have to readjust my schedule,
as i know this matters. a lot.
and yet that scares me.
not the rearranging the schedule...
altho, that's a little tough that early in the morning...
but i'll figure it out.
but the fact that it matters a lot.
that part scares me.
she sits on her bench.
i lean against her car, standing/slouching in front of her.
it's hard for her to turn her neck and talk. or to look up.
so i kinda lean and slouch.
there's a clean spot on her car where i lean.
the pollen's been rubbed off.
i look at it, grin, and slide into it.
this morning i was greeted with 'you're late!'
which i was.
and she laughed and told me she was late too and came
out and looked around a bit for me, sure she had missed me.
i now understand that if i miss her on my walks,
i need to check in later in the day.
this is new.
i haven't done daily check ins before.
and i think it's time.
i get it's not 'me.'
i get that.
i get it's company she can count on.
someone in her day.
something to look forward to.
a break in the aloneness.
as i walked away this morning, waving and joking as i headed
down her driveway, i was feeling uncomfortable.
i walked fast.
looked down at the road.
when she looks at me.
she looks like a little girl.
she trusts me so much.
she's getting more and more vulnerable.
i walked fast.
why does that scare me?
cause she counts on me, i thought.
i can't take it away from her, i answered.
she's not looking at you for that, i answered the answer.
i think of those eyes.
somehow they're getting more child like.
and i think of what's ahead for her.
and i'm scared for her.
and i can't take it away from her.
yesterday i noticed the alzheimer's more than i ever have before.
it rattled me and stayed with me all day.
i walked faster, stared at the ground harder.
i marvel at how guy-like i am sometimes when i get so filled with
wanting to fix things for people and so frustrated i can't.
i'm stepping into a new part of the journey, i said to my panic.
and while you're doing this for her, it won't be for her.
you're gonna learn some more about love.
cause i hate the fact that i can't take her struggle and her pain
away from her. and i don't want to sit and watch it get worse.
i'd like to slip away and let someone else do the daily visits.
i really would.
and yet, inside my heart, i know i just committed to them.
i don't know how to love people and just watch their pain.
i suck at that.
i want to change it, take it away, fix it.
why the big push inside me?
do i not trust the process?
do i not trust in others' resources?
do i not trust.
hmmmmm....guess not as much as i'd like to think.
looks like it's time for a course in trust.
and i do believe my heart signed up this morning......
i could tell by the panic i felt.