a vaugue, unfinished ramble...

i so don't have this one figured out yet....
but it feels like a big something....

i walked and thought about my visit with an old
friend yesterday. we were young moms together.

she told me something she learned from me about
being a mom. it amazed me.

and i thought of how i was back then and didn't even
know it. i thought of some of the stuff that i naturally
knew but didn't consciously know i was doin'.

and somehow that led my thoughts to my mantra 'everything i need
is inside of me.'

usually i go there in desperation.
usually i go there when i'm looking outside of myself for
things and getting sorely disappointed.
then i remember to go back and look within.
which is a good thing.
yet a lot of times - not always - but a lot of times there's
an element of going in and retreating and protecting myself.

that part's not so good.
cause that's not what it's about.
it's not about protecting.
it's about looking where you need to look.

and then somehow i saw the mantra in a whole different light.
it's like i could almost take it to another level in my thoughts.
but not quite...
it's like i could almost grasp this whole new concept.

and just as it was forming, i hit my elderly neighbor's house
and she had a chair waiting for me....

so i haven't gotten it yet...but it's something along the lines
of this...

the past...all the stuff in the past...the good, the bad, the ugly,
the beautiful...it's a million threads that you carry into the present
with you. and those threads have lessons and insights and teachings.
and those things mix with the natural wisdom you already have. and
if you can take all that, and look...really look....you not only
survive and get by....you go way beyond that...
and it's more than everything you need is inside you....
it's more than a place to go in desperation, it's more than
something to do so you don't look outside yourself where there aren't
answers....it's more than that......

i think i've always turned to that when i've had trouble standing up.
when i didn't think i'd make it thru.
it's always been something that keeps me going...

but oh my goodness........it's more than that.

but that's all i got.
just a tiny glimpse this morning.....
that's it.

but i tell ya what...i don't have words for it, i just touched
a feeling.
and it's enough for me to take this inner exploration on in a whole
new light....