appreciating

i wanted to say i've had some crash courses in certain lessons
in my life. but that's wrong, i think. cause i believe that
implies fast and intense.

mine have been very, very long and intense. very, very intense.
it's taken me forever to comprehend and understand. (hence the 'long'
part of the whole deal...)
and of course, i still only have this understanding for moments
and then lose it. but i am making progress.

the lesson i'm thinking of has showed itself in some really excruciating
ways for me. and it seems so basic. like it really wouldn't
cause that much pain if you didn't get it -

the lesson can be summed up like this - 'it's not yours to fix.'

how basic is that?
how hard is that?

but i guess if you throw in a couple of misguided thoughts
opposing that, it can get crazy.

start with 'it's mine to fix.' and then
throw in that certainly love can fix anything -
AND if something's wrong with anyone i'm dealing with,
then it's my fault. i haven't explained myself well enough,
i haven't thought it thru enough, i haven't acted kind enough.
it's my fault. and i'm bad for not doing better. in fact,
everyone else is basically good. just misguided at times.
it's me that's the problem.

mix all that together and you get some really great stages
for angst.

thing is...it is a learning thing. and that angst has been
a catalyst. it hasn't been a bad thing. not at all.

i've learned a great deal.

first of all, i'm thrilled to tell you that i don't believe
any of that any more.

none of it.

i sit here today wanting to rocket out of my chair with joy
for that fact.

i don't need to fix an unhealthy persons misconceptions.
i don't need to do that anymore.
i don't need to find my value from their understanding of me.

oh wow.
wow.

i'm okay just doin' my own thing and being my own person.
stuff still makes me sad.
but i've found my self worth in the whole journey of learning
'it's not mine to fix.'

life's struggles.....they're intense, they're hard, they're
discouraging......and they're some of the best things that
ever happen to us.

because of moments like this morning.
when you figure out that they brought you more understanding and
love for yourself.

feeling very very grateful for life and its processes today.....
even the long, intense, angst filled ones.......