Tuesday, August 23, 2011

cookie time.....

'this isn't another mid-life crisis thing, is it?!'

'no. no. no. i already did that. you can't just do another.
and besides, it just can't land like that on you one day.
it can't work that way.'

'maybe it's like a little pothole you fell into.
a pothole on the planet 'midlife-crisis.' maybe you haven't
quite gotten off, you've gotten on solid ground, and then
you hit a pothole.'

and the conversation continued as i walked my heart out.

one thing i've noticed, i can't exercise enough.

it's like i'm trying to exercise whatever's in me out.

don't think it works that way.

but i remember trying it for about a month a few years ago.
couldn't get on the treadmill enough. when i'd start to
feel that insane feeling, i'd just go hop on.

i recognize the feeling from then. same insane feeling.

great. great. that one lasted about a month.
great. great. great.

so,okay. where's little terri in all this?

bob had just recently commented that she seemed in deep cover.
yeah, that felt about right.

maybe that's the problem.

the chicken or the egg? is she hiding cause i'm struggling or
am i struggling cause she's hiding????

lately, i've been asking myself a lot what the point of life is.

what is the darn point? what is it i want out of it all???

walkin' this morning i thought maybe it's just to be connected
with her. my inner child. maybe when i'm connected with her,
i'm at peace and i'm whole....

yeah, i know......there's prolly more to the point of life.
but......i'm gonna start with this, i think.
cause i'm not sure where else to start.

so, today, i'm workin' on findin' her again.

i asked myself what would feel good to do today. and believe it or
not, 'cooking' came to mind.

cooking is what i do when i just want to feel my home and my family.
when i want to remember when life was more stable for me. when i just
want to touch what 'normal' used to feel like.

okay, i can do that, i thought. BUT i gotta make something just to
connect to my inner child.


definitely on the list.


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