holdin' the book....

so yesterday when i came in from my walk,
i had my day planned so that it was filled with things
that would center me, bring me comfort, and help me tune
in to my inner child.

i've been feelin' a tad bit desperate/insane and felt
this was a really good plan.

well, the plan lasted for about ten minutes.

between other people's plans i hadn't counted on,
and the earthquake, things just changed.

but in the middle of all the craze i hadn't planned,
i got the proof of a new book i just finished.

i will tell you honestly that i have felt silly writing
yet another book. seriously, how many books do i need
to do? and i'm aware of that.

thing is, this one was inspired by a story that really
moved me and my heart was really tugging at me to do it.

i had heard of a young girl who had been raped,
and who was struggling big time. and somehow some bone sighs
made it to her, and in some small way, they helped a little.

the whole story hit me deep.
and i decided i wanted to put a book together for girls/women
like her. if i could offer any kind of help, i wanted to do so.

i argued with myself plenty.
i have never experienced this horrific pain, and i wasn't
qualified to offer anything.

and besides....i just really can't do one more book.
that's embarrassing. how many can you do???

my heart wouldn't buy it.
and after some internal wrestling, i went ahead and
did it.

noah designed the cover and it's as deep and gentle and
loving as noah is. it's stunning.

so there i stood, knee deep in internal struggles about
what the heck i'm doin' with life and wondering what in
the world life and living is all about, and trying to figure
out how to center myself, when the proof comes in.

i opened it and the whole world just stopped for me.

i held it and just looked at it.
i was overcome with the softness of the look and the feel.
i flipped thru it and saw my heart mixed all in it.
and i cried.

i stood there holding this book with tears running down
my face.

i felt like i was holding the answers to the questions
that had been making me insane. what i cared about, what life
was for, where my passion was, how i wanted to live, all
that stuff......it was right in my hands.

i held the book up against my cheek and just felt how soft
it felt. i closed my eyes and just held the feeling.

then i went over and showed it to the guys.
and turning to noah, i choked up and thanked him for making
it something that people would want to pick up.
and told him how important it was, to me....and maybe....
just maybe to someone else.

and then i squealed about it on facebook.
a friend saw the squeal and immediately called me.

if i had any doubts as to what the book meant to me,
she removed them.
pouring love thru the phone lines she was ecstatic for me.
choking up herself, she reminded me of how great this was.
and more than once, she brought the tears to my eyes and
moved me with her love and her caring....and her belief in me.

i don't feel so lost this morning.
it's been rough inside me lately.
can't say i'm 100% confident - but i can say that i feel
like i'm turning my eyes in the right direction and that
i'm really really remembering that my heart will guide me.

oh...and the book? it's called 'her white tree.'
i couldn't love the title any more.