inner predators....

i remember the first time i read her section on the 'inner predator' -
i didn't think i had one.
closed the book and went to take a shower.
as i got out of the shower i heard myself berating myself for this and for that.
the words were harsh and mean.

oooooooohh....THAT'S what she means, i thought.

seriously, it took less than half an hour to find it!
that was about twenty years ago.

i read part of the section again this morning.
now i knew i had one of those darn inner predators.
had no question about that.
but was wondering now about the different forms it showed up
and in what ways was it there that i wasn't realizing.

didn't stop long to think about. was just a quick wondering.
a thought that i need to keep my eyes open.

and then i headed off for a walk.
my mind wandered all over the place.
started feelin' guilty about something.
'yeah....i should prolly do this...." i thought with guilt.

figuring out how to make that all better by doing something i didn't want to,
but 'they' wanted, my thoughts traveled on.

a whole different thought.
again....guilt.
'yeah.....i should prolly do this....' i thought with guilt.

and yep, sure enough it was figurin' out how to make something 'all better'
by doing something i didn't want to, but 'they' wanted.

and no kidding, by the third guilt trip i dropped on myself, i noticed it.

THREE guilt trips right in a row.

woe.
what's up with all the guilt???

guilt.
hmmmmmm.............

i haven't done anything wrong.
why the guilt?
can this be a form of the inner predator???

sure felt like i was hurting myself in the process.
taking me away from the things i loved to do things i didn't love -
to make other people happy.

hmmmm.....something i've noticed about the psyche....
it can be pretty sneaky.

sure felt like an inner predator to me.
a darn sneaky inner predator.

....it sure didn't feel like living real to me.
so. now.
what do i do with that?

do i believe in the quest to find and live real and follow it
or do i try to make everyone happy?

yeah.
i know.
if you put it that way........

kickin' my inner predator to the curb
and headin' off to hold some real.