thoughts on this day....

it had nothing to do with september 11th -
the fact that my entire world was exploding and crumbling
and i felt like i was losing everything.
but that is exactly where i was on september 11th.
just trying to stand up and make my kids days somehow work.

it literally was taking every ounce of energy i had to keep going
for the kids.

when my neighbor called and told me to turn on the tv,
i didn't even know how to take it all in.
i just didn't know how to hold everything.
i didn't even think i could.
it was too much.

my heart couldn't handle any more grief.
and yet...how could it not?

and then everything got even crazier.
so much grief, fear, hate, confusion.
everywhere.

there was so much goodness. so much caring mixed thru it all.
and yet so much hate and so much anger.
and always always so much grief.
it was such a difficult difficult whirlwind.

i look back over ten years.

i've rebuilt my life.
and it has been brick by brick.
it truly has.
and here's the thing-

things that were missing are now running in full force.
'real' and 'love' now weave their way thru everything in my life.
the good parts that i needed and didn't have, i built.
or i opened the space for them to come in.

and i can only reflect from that angle.
from the angle i know and i've lived.

and the thought that runs thru my head today is this -
moving forward is how we honor the act of living,
moving forward in a direction of love and compassion and awareness,
and opening the space to become more  is how we honor those who have died.

in every aspect of our lives.

and that is a way we could honor 9/11.