Thursday, October 27, 2011

lacin' up my explorer boots...

i really like exploring.
it helps me a lot.
i realized that lately as i've watched myself settle in and just ponder.
 the weird thing is, i don't seem to be able to just say
'okay, i'm gonna explore now.' it seems to have a life of its own.

and it's in full force right now.
everything is research for me.
and i'm lovin' it.

zakk and i had some time alone last nite and had agreed we'd watch
a movie together. i spent some time picking out possibilities earlier in the day.
i tried to pick some he might like too and when i showed him my list, he
was surprised i would watch a few of them. one seemed way scarier than
anything i'd watch, but it was about an exorcism. i was okay with it because
i wanted to see what i thought about it all.

i told him that. told him i'm in a research mood. want to think about everything
involved with living/dying/and beyond us.

he laughed and said he noticed. that the list seemed to have that theme.
oh yeah.
i guess it did.

we ended up watching a magic one that dealt with obsession.
as i watched, i thought about the whole 'what's it all about' stuff.....
sure isn't about being obsessed and getting the object of your obsession.
which, terri, would include answers to your questions.

i'm okay with that. i'm not so much obsessed with the answers.
i mean, i can be in certain moments. but not long term.

i see for me the pondering is what helps.
it keeps me open to life. it keeps me reaching beyond myself.
it helps me focus on things that matter.

there are certain phrases i just think are so overused and trite,
they drive me crazy....
because they're true and sometimes you just can't help but use them....
this morning the one in my head is -

it's not the destination, it's the journey.

it feels like that right now for me.
very strongly.

it's not the answers, it's the exploring.
and for the moment, i'm liking that.

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