one heck of a melt down...

i realized yesterday that part of the inner searching and thinking i do
is for protection.

guess that's a no brainer for someone looking in.
but i mostly don't realize it. and only see glimpses of that here and there.

yesterday i got slammed in the face with it.
and i saw how that thought is completely worthless.
there's no protecting yourself from stuff that hasn't left you.

i don't even know how to explain what happened but something hit something
else so deep and full of buttons for me that the part of me that i call my inner
child just flipped out.

i can tell when that part of me is reacting because the reaction just feels a certain
way. i've gotten so i can recognize it. but this was that feeling on steroids.

well, i guess i've been trying to do the adult, mature thinking and my inner child
had just had enough.

something hit and suddenly i was melting down.

i tried everything i could think of to calm myself down.
i took a walk, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, paced,
sat in the sun, paced some more.

it started with the feeling of wanting to vomit, and then went into some panic,
and there was the feeling that a good session of hyperventilating would help.

laughing here......cause now i can laugh.....but i'm trying to get across that it was indeed
a meltdown of epic proportions. there was no containing it.

i tried to think thru it.
i do a whole lotta inner work.
this shouldn't be happening.
i should see it, recognize it, calm it down and understand.

yeah, right.
don't think so.

little terri had had enough.
and it was RIGHT NOW that she needed my attention.
and my gosh, she got it.
and she wasn't gonna let it go.

thank god i've got a guy who can weather this stuff.
he walked in, and i just held on tight to him and asked for help with it all.
and i told him about the feeling of my inner child and the freak out.

and somewhere in the middle of it all, he said it was a good thing,
that 'she was right' and it was time to look at this stuff.

i think that may have been the most helpful thing he did or could have done.

we walked thru it all, talked, figured stuff out, didn't figure stuff out, rested,
and just hung out. and thru it all, that part of me settled down.

i look at it today and think of how something that hurts so much inside got hit.

and i think of that hurt.
i have thought of that hurt for years and years and years.
i have worked with it, reframed it, released it.
and yet.....i think there's just something there that will always and forever be there.

and looking at it today, i'm thinking maybe that's okay.
because maybe when it gets hit and causes a freak out, maybe that's completely okay.
necessary even.

because then, other things get looked at and tweaked and grown.
everything is so related.
so much of what we do is driven by forces we don't understand or even know of.
this can touch all that and help.

to get knocked so hard that you're forced to look and examine and tweak -
that's okay.

what's not okay is not responding to the inner craze.
that's what would not be okay.

there's always gonna be an inner rumble that comes thru here and there.
i'm thinking that's no reason to be afraid or nothing you have to protect yourself from.

it's a tool.
a freaky, weird, crazy tool.
and we can use it.

we don't have to protect ourselves from it.
we can actually trust it.