one step at a time

the thoughts had just begun to whirl.
well, that's not true.
they had been whirling for awhile,
yesterday they got kicked in a bit more, but no time to really deal with them.
then this morning, they were going full tilt.

when he called and asked "whatchya doin'?" i answered 'thinking.'
he laughed, asked about what, and the thoughts just poured out.
i hadn't had a chance to organize them yet, so they just poured on out.
there were just paragraphs of thought after thought leading to another thought.

by the time he hung up, i had given him a year's worth of thoughts.

'love' is usually my bottom line.
love of yourself, being love, offering love. living love.
it's usually the bottom line for me....
but sometimes it's way blurry.
like it gets mixed in with 'man, i just want to stop hurting. how do i stop hurting?'
and i forget that love is the bottom line.
protection or safety or no pain turns into the goal.

but then, eventually, i get back to love being what it's about.

stuff will distract me.
but sooner or later.....it's back to it.

i think the deeper i get into it, the more i see that i have to get by my
barriers, my protections. and my gosh, that's just not an easy thing to do.
i'm not just talking about loving someone else.
i'm talking about loving myself.

all of it.
every angle of love.

the more i see of love, the more i see how i get in my own way.
the more i see i have to change old patterns/ways/habits.
i find deeper and harder layers of honesty that i have to face.

i feel like i've been in a major wrestling match lately. it's been goin' on
and on, wearin' me down.
but i feel like i'm gettin' to the end of it now.
this round anyway.

it's time for me to get up, stop wrestling, and start living what i know.

and i guess that's scary for me cause it's new, it's breaking patterns,
it's bursting barriers, and it's trusting and believing more.

i'm learnin' stuff along the way.
real stuff.
i'm actually learning stuff.

so what's the point if all i do is wrestle with it?

i gotta go put it to use......

and i think i've finally gotten bored with the wrestling.
i'm ready to go try it all out.
i say that with caution. cause i know what trying it out means.
effort.
effort.
effort.

but i tell ya, the wrestling has taken so much effort.
it can't be any more to actually go do it!

one step at a time.
think i'm ready.