Monday, October 31, 2011

workin' on gettin' good with it......

yesterday i took myself over to where i like to ride my bike,
but i left my bike at home and i walked my heart out.
i told myself it was too beautiful not to be out,
but i knew that i just needed to walk some sadness out.

there was such beauty all around me. i walked among the
trees with a little stream runnin' along right next to me for a
good part of it.

and the more i walked, the sadder i got.
that's not exactly how i had planned it. but i let myself go
and just feel.

and feel i did.

as i turned to head back, i did the practical 'okay, this is the way it is, where
does it leave you, what can you get out of it?'

it felt good to do both.
feel with all i had, and then try to work with what was there.
the sadness never left, but i was workin' on the focus.

this morning, i was out doin' it all over again.
only this time i didn't want to give so much room to the sadness.
i knew i had it, but i wanted more practical stuff today.
i was again workin' on the focus.

i had done a few loops around the block and was gettin' to where i was
feelin' pretty good, when a guy who lives in the neighborhood pulled up
and rolled his window down.

he asked me about my walkin and where i was walkin and gently told
me he didn't think i should walk in a certain area. i already knew it,
told him i had adjusted my walkin' to just around the block, and nodded
as he filled me in on some stuff i didn't know. drugs, guns, police...
we finished up, he pulled away, i turned to finish my walk.

and the tears just rolled down my face.
i couldn't stop them.
i couldn't believe it.
all thru yesterday's walk and the sadness, all thru the first few loops
of this walk, no tears. i was deeply sad and no tears.

tell me i can't walk where i mostly haven't been walkin' and i can't
stop crying.

i only go that way once in awhile when i just have to see the sky in a
certain way.

and i guess hearin' all i heard, i just won't do that anymore.

and it just felt like someone took something away from me.
my sky.

but i had already mostly known this.
why the reaction now?

i just wanted my sky.

you have your sky, ter.

i walked faster, wiped the tears, sniffled an awful lot, and told myself
that life was about adapting.

adapt or die has been my slogan this last month.


but it matters how you adapt, doesn't it?
tears are okay at first.
but somewhere along the line, you gotta get good with it.

and that goes for alotta things, ms. ter.

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