i'm learning

i had just bragged to my buds in email that i knew how to
take care of myself and as a matter of fact, i was gonna take
a cooking break today and just cook for the sheer fun of it.

half-way thru the cooking, my elderly neighbor called and needed
a ride to the doc's. she was scared and having a hard time.

not long later i found myself standing in a way overcrowded doctor's
office. my gosh, there were a lotta people there. i kept thinking how
lucky i was that i was just a driver and not a patient.

we waited an hour to see the guy. and i stood the whole time reading.
i started out with a little instruction book on welding i had brought.
when i finished that i went on to 'women who run with the wolves.'

and i grinned.
okay....i AM learning how to take care of myself...even in the midst
of helping someone else.

and i tell ya i read some awesome awesome stuff!

she tells of some experiment that's been done with dogs....
(and i know that's not cool to do to dogs...i do know that)
but it's about having a dog in some kinda kennel and shocking one
side of it and he learns to go to the other side, then changing sides
on him, and him learning to change sides, then wiring the whole floor
for random shocks so the dog wouldn't know which place to go to.
(i know, it sucks they did that) the dog acted confused at first, then
panicked, and then finally the dog 'gave up' and lay down, taking the
shocks as they came.

then when they opened the cage door, the dog didn't rush out. it could
leave at will but it stayed taking the shocks.

'when a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that
disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed
its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the
creature stays put instead.'

'In terms of the wildish nature of women, it is this normalization of violence,
and what scientists  subsequently termed 'learned helplessness,' that
influences women to not only stay with drunken mates, abusive employers
and groups that exploit and harass them but causes them to feel unable
to rise up to support the things they believe in with all their hearts: their art,
ther love, their lifestyles, their politics.'

holy cow!
that helped me a lot in understanding something i never could understand.
i thought this would be good to put here.

there's more great quotes......and they'll tumble out by and by here.........

the final act of taking care of myself was driving my neighbor home the way
i wanted to go at the speed i wanted to go - driving comfortable with how
i drive and letting my neighbor deal with it. that was liberating for me.
i used to go extra slow and whatever way she wanted. sigh. it's the little things
that i gotta take back sometimes!!!

i'm learning!!!