in the way again....

there are times it's funny - this feeling of always being in the way....

like with the bone sigh quote of the day.

it took me forever to agree to do that. the guys kept sayin'
it was a good idea, but i felt very 'in the way' with it.

'but mom,' the guys argued, 'people SIGN UP for it, you don't
just sign them up!'

oh yeah.

it took awhile, and i agreed.
and any time anyone unsubbed from  it, i felt sooooo in the way.
zakk finally made it so i wouldn't see that part. he figured life would
just be easier that way.

it really can be funny.

and then, it really can be hard.

and it's one of those feelings that just swoops up on ya.
you know those?
you'll be goin' along fine and then swoop! it's all over you.

i hate that.

i walked and thought about it today.
where it came from.
spent a few moments there, but didn't feel like dwellin' in all that.
i know where it's from.

and  how sad we give that to people.
how sad we take it from people.

now what to do with it.
that's what i gotta figure out.

cause apparently i took it a long time ago and haven't ever
put it down.

is that cause i haven't chosen to?
or i can't?

hard to believe i really can't.

THAT would be sad.
but i don't really believe that.

it's sad people do things to each other, and it's sad
we take things and hurt ourselves with them.....all that's sad....
but it's life.
it's part of the journey.
the really sad part would be never changing it.
never becoming who you really are because of that stuff.

i can just peel it off over and over again.
i guess i can do that.

but that's not the same as getting rid of it.

i think there's a lot to it. a lot stuck in the roots of it all.
and certain situations so feed into it.

did i pick those situations?
did i set myself up for these feelings to come over and over again?
or would they come no matter what?

what does it say about my depths if i feel in the way a whole lotta times?

not real proud of that.
but it's there.

and it's up to me to talk to those depths......

i don't think there's a quick fix.
all i can think of is workin' with all the parts of me....
just over and over reminding myself that i'm not in the way,
that i matter, and that people's messages from long ago don't matter anymore.

and maybe grieve a little bit for a little girl who didn't know she was a treasure.