Sunday, December 18, 2011

and the list grows.....

ahhh mixed in the season where i've started my own 12 day list....
so far filled with festivity, laughter, magic, and appreciation of others,
i've got today.....the anniversary of my dad's death....

five years now.

yesterday josh did his monthly radio show that he does down in richmond.
i only caught a tiny bit of it. but amazingly enough (would it be magic??)
i heard the part where he dedicated a song to his grandfather, my dad.

i had no idea he was going to do that.
and bam....there he was.

he played silent nite, which was my dad's favorite christmas carol.
and the version he played is my all time favorite version of the song.
so throw in that this version moves me anyway......and then it made me
think of my dad......and they played it at my dad's it brought
some of that back too.......well......the tears sprung right up.

and the grief of all the sad ending of my relationship with him,
and of many other things mixed in with his passing washed over me.

i was with bob when i heard this.

interestingly enough, when he first walked in that day, he handed
me all his 'paperwork' - stuff for the end of life. stuff to file away and not
look at again for hopefully a long long time. but papers you need to do.
i threw them face down on my desk. i didn't want to see them. and i
hugged him tight. and i thought about how i don't want to lose this man.

and i know.
i know we all leave.

so as i hugged him i thought about our day together and how i wanted
to be so present for it all. really really be there and know what a gift
it was.

hearing the dedication to my dad, knowing josh missed him too, remembering
all that stuff that goes along with the memories.....i coulda cried for a week.

instead i remembered my day with bob, living in the present, the gift of the day,
and i held him close.

in the quiet moments on my own since then, the sadness slips in and out. and i know
that's the way it goes.

and i thought of the season.....and of all things to add to that list of mine.....i want to
add grief.


cause that's really really what this whole season is to me in the first place......the light
in the darkness.....well, you can't have light without dark.
you can't have magic and festivity and can't REALLY have it without
the flip side.

because when you carry grief, you understand the value of the laughing and the magic.

today i will be partaking in several different celebrations.....all the while holding my dad
in my heart. some of that holding is good stuff, some of it is sad stuff......but i'm holding
that man close all day and i'm laughing and hugging and loving those i'm with.

and i'll be thinking of that list of mine.......

festivity, laughter, magic, appreciation of others and grief.......

what a season.....
what a life........


AkasaWolfSong said...

'because when you carry grief, you understand the value of the laughing and the magic.'

I love you so much Ter!

(((Big Hugs)))


Today is a death date for me we'll hang in there together!

terri said...

thank you, akasa....i'm sending you a hug too for your stuff....